Epitaph:  Here lies the bones of Screwy Prick at birth he was blessed with a cork screw dick. His life he spent in the feudle hunt to find the girl with the cork screw cunt! Well he found her but then fell dead, that son of a gun had a left hand thread.

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,    to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.  'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,  I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...  ' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!''  and she proceeded to close the door.  Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed  it wide open...  ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.  ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''  And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.  ''Now, if this  vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure  from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'' The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you  a fork,  'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Bob & Judy were Married for 30 years. Suddenly Judy becomes ill and is admitted to the Hospital.  She expires after a week and ends up at the pearly gates where Peter, states that she will need to pass a test to enter heaven.  All the while, the family that have gone before are behind the heavenly fence encouraging her.  Saint Peter asks her to spell love. Judy says L...O..V......E, and peter is happy as he admits her to her family.  Ten years pass, while partying all the while. Then Peter asks Judy to "man" the gates for awhile as he has a meeting "with the Lord". Judy asks "do I need to spell the word love?" And Peter "he is sure she will do fine".  Judy "mans" the gate and has seven newcomers spell and then enter. Just then she notices her husband of ten years previous, next in line. Bob says "honey", Judy greets him with "baby". Judy goes on about the ten years she has spent in heaven and then asks Bob what he has been doing the last ten years?. Bob says well honey " remember when you got sick in the hospital and that nurse came in while in the hospital? And judy interjects "oh, the Blond pretty one"? Bob says "yah, well she was so touched by your death, she came to the funeral, we talked a little, we went out for coffee and one thing led to another and we got Married. Then the next week, I won the state lottery of 25 million bucks. Judy interjects, "geez, when we were Married, we were alway dirt poor".  Bob goes on about the mansion bought, the trips around the world and the fun he has had. Bob then stops and asks "what he has to do to enter?".  Judy thinks awhile and tells him he has to spell a word.  Bob excitedly asks "what he has to spell?" and Judy blithely says "Czechoslovakia"! 

Joe was drinking at a bar the other night and noticed an older lady drinking alone as well. After his second drink hethought she must be about 55 or 60, and was probably very hot when she was younger. After his third drink, she was looking better. After his fourth drink, he was thinking I bet she has a HOT daughter... On his fifth drink he asked the bar tender to send her one as well. After is sixth drink she was smiling at him, so he bought them another round.... On his eight drink, he went over and started talking to her and telling her how sexy she was. She whispered in his ear that she wanted to get him back to her place.  To add to the incentive, she asked if he had ever had a Mother Daughter Threesome. His wildest dream had just come true, so he breathlessly said that he would love to. Luckily she lived only a block away. Stiff with anticipation he followed, they walked in the door and to the stairs. She flipped on the light and yelled upstairs, "Mom WAKE UP, I have another one!!"  

Single women come home, go to the refrigerator, look inside and think.. "Nah, I dont want those pounds on my ass" then go to bed. Married women come home, go to the bedroom, look inside and think "Nah, I dont want those pounds on my ass" then go to the refigerator.

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their ass is too fat......... ... 10% of women think their ass is too skinny...... .... The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

My black-eye and fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'... was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked "Where are you taking me for Valentine's?"

Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife's legs were wide apart, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again,hit his head on the table & emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get another drink. Bill's wife followed & asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial situation as well as the moral costs of this offer, John says that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons & John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time at 2 pm sharp & after paying her the agreed upon $500, they went to the bedroom & completed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed & left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm & upon entering the house, asks his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered,"Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon". Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?". In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, & after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500". Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning & borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home & pay me back." *NOW THAT'S A PLAYER ! ! ! !

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor."Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Un jour que maman faisait le lit dans la chambre de son fils âgé de 15 ans, elle tombe sur 'S&M fashion', un magazine voué à la gloire du bondage et du latex. Naturellement, elle est très en colère. Le soir, quand rentre son mari, elle lui met la revue sous le nez en lui disant: "Tiens! Regarde ce que j'ai trouvé dans la chambre de ton fils..." Son époux prend la revue, la parcourt silencieusement une minute, puis il la rend à sa femme. "Alors, qu'est-ce qu'on va faire?" lui demande-t-elle. Et papa lui répond: "Je ne sais pas, mais il y a une chose qui est sûre: c'est pas la peine de lui donner la fessée!"

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like? Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I workout everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36.What do you look like? Wellhung: I`m 6`3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I`m also wearing an old T-shirt, it`s got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny. Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OK Sweetheart: We`re in my bedroom. There`s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I`m smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge. Wellhung: I`m gulping. I`m beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: I`m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. Wellhung: Now, I`m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: I`m moaning softly. Wellhung: I`m taking hold of your blouse and I`m sliding it softly off. Sweetheart: I`m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I`m rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling. Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I`m sorry. Sweetheart: That`s, OK. It wasn`t really too expensive. Wellhung: I`ll pay for it. Sweetheart: Don`t worry about it! I`m wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder. Wellhung: I`m fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it`s stuck. Do you have scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you. Wellhung: How did you do that? I`m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: I`m arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me. Wellhung: I`m dropping the bra. Now I`m licking your, you know, breasts They`re neat! Sweetheart: I`m running my fingers through your hair. Now I`m nibbling your ear. Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: WHAT?!? Wellhung: I`m so sorry. Really. Sweetheart: I`m wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse. Wellhung: I`m taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room. Sweetheart: OK. I`m pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool. Wellhung: I`m screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee! Sweetheart: I`m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties. Wellhung: I`m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you-- ummm, wait a second... Sweetheart: What`s the matter? Wellhung: I`ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I`m choking. Sweetheart: Are you OK? Wellhung: I`m having a coughing fit. I`m turning all red. Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help? Wellhung: I`m running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink! Wellhung: I`m drinking a cup of water. There, that`s better. Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover. Wellhung: I`m washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I`m aching for you lover. Wellhung: Now I`m drying the cup. I`m putting it back in the cabinet...and now I`m walking back to the bedroom. Wait - it`s dark, I`m lost. Where is the bedroom? Sweetheart: Last door on the left - at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it. Sweetheart: I`m tugging off your pants. I want you so badly. Wellhung: Me too. Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other. Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart: Why don`t you take your glasses off? Wellhung: OK. But I can`t see very well. I`m placing my glasses on the nightstand. Sweetheart: I`m bending over the bed. Give it to me baby! Wellhung: I have to pee. I`m fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom... Sweetheart: Hurry back lover! Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it`s dark. I`m feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid. Sweetheart: I`m waiting eagerly for your return. Wellhung: I`m done going. I`m feeling around for the flush handle. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: What`s the matter now? Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again. I`m walking back to the bed now. Blindly, feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on. Wellhung: Now I`m going to put my, you know, thing in your umm, woman`s thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it! Wellhung: I`m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma`am, I`m having a little problem here. Sweetheart: I`m moving my ass back and forth. I can`t wait another second. Slide it in! Screw me! Wellhung: I`m flaccid. Sweetheart: WHAT?!? Wellhung: I`m limp. I can`t sustain an erection. Sweetheart: I`m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face. Wellhung: I`m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I`m looking for my glasses to see what the problem is. Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I`m getting dressed, I`m putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse. Wellhung: No wait. I can`t find the night table. I`m reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: I`m buttoning my blouse. I`m putting on my shoes. Wellhung: Now I`ve found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire! I`m pointing at it with a shocked look on my face! Sweetheart: Go to hell! I`m logging off, LOSER! Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!

 Petite leçon de marketing!!...  1: Tu es à une soirée et tu vois une nana très attirante.  Tu t'approches d'elle et tu lui dis :  "Je suis un très bon coup"  c'est du Marketing Direct.  2: Tu es à une soirée avec un groupe de copains et vous voyez une nana  très attirante.  Un de tes amis s'approche d'elle et lui dit :  "Tu vois ce garçon là bas, c'est un très bon coup".  c'est de la Publicité.  3: Tu es à une soirée et tu vois une nana très attirante.  Tu lui demandes son numéro de téléphone.  Le lendemain, tu l'appelles et tu lui dis :  "Je suis un très bon coup"  c'est du Télémarketing.  4: Tu es à une soirée et tu vois une nana très attirante.  Tu la reconnais. Tu t'approches d'elle, tu lui rafraîchis la mémoire  et tu lui dis  "Tu te souviens que je suis un très bon coup ?".  c'est du Customer Relationship Management.  5: Tu es à une soirée et tu vo is une nana très attirante.  Tu te lèves, tu arranges un peu tes vêtements, tu t'approches d'elle  et tu lui sers un verre.  Tu lui ouvres la porte lorsqu'elle part, tu ramasses son sac  lorsqu'il tombe.  Tu lui offre une cigarette et tu lui dis :  "Je suis très bon coup"  c'est des Relations Publiques.  6: Tu es à une soirée et tu vois une nana très attirante.  Elle s'approche de toi et te dit  "J'ai entendu dire que tu es un très bon coup".  c'est du Branding, le pouvoir de la marque.  7: Tu es à une soirée et tu vois une super belle nana.  Tu la mates, avec tes potes tu fais des réflexions lourdingues,  tu te bourres la gueule et tu rentres avec ton engin sous le bras.  c'est la réalité du marché... 

Two Irish couples agree to swap partners for the night. . . After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"

 Moi, le Pénis, sollicite par la présente une augmentation de salaire pour les raisons suivantes :  * Je travaille à de grandes profondeurs. * Je plonge la tête la première dans toutes les situations. * Je n'ai ni week-ends, ni vacances. * Je travaille en milieu humide. * Je ne suis pas payé pour les heures supplémentaires. * Je travaille en milieu sombre et sans ventilation. * Je travaille à de hautes températures. * Je suis exposé aux maladies contagieuses. Réponse: Cher Pénis, Après analyse de votre demande, considérant les arguments avancés, nous sommes au regret de ne pouvoir accéder à votre demande pour les raisons suivantes :  * Vous ne travaillez pas 8 heures en continu. * Vous vous assoupissez après un bref effort de travail. * Vous ne suivez pas toujours les ordres de la direction. * Vous ne restez pas à votre poste alloué, et allez souvent visiter d'autres sites. * Vous ne prenez pas d'initiative et avez besoin d'être pressé et stimulé pour commencer votre travail. * Vous laissez votre poste de travail crasseux à la fin de votre période. * Vous ne suivez pas toujours les règles de sécurité, comme le port de vêtement protecteur. * Vous êtes incapable de travailler en binôme. * Vous êtes incapable de travailler 2 périodes d'affilée. * Vous quittez parfois votre poste sans avoir terminé le travail de la journée. * Et comme si ce n'était pas suffisant, on vous a remarqué entrer et sortir constamment avec 2 sacs suspects. La direction.

The host of the TV quiz show “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” enter home and found his wife pregnant; he ask her ... where this come from? She replied: I asked a friend The host very angry takes her to the court where the judge tell him, you so god damn lucky that she didn’t asked the audience.

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them was playing like they wanted to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?” asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP, the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet. "You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."

A Martian couple landed on the earth. The emerged from their spacecraft and went up to a farmhouse. They knocked on the door. When the farmer and his wife answered, they announced that they were from Mars and wanted to come in to chat. The farm couple extended their hospitality and they all seemed to hit it off well. After a while, the farmer said "Do you two swing?" The martian replied, "yes", and so they swapped mates and adjourned for appropriate activity. After the martian man had climbed on, he said to the earth woman, "Is my dick long enough?" She replied, "Well, now that you mention it, I would like it a little longer." He said "no problem" and proceded to twist his left ear and, like magic, his dick got longer. "How's that now?" "One notch more" said the woman. Her request was promptly complied with via another twist of the left ear. His next question was "Would you like it a little thicker?" She replied "yes" and he twisted his right ear once. The woman said "That's perfect!" and they proceeded to bang away. The next morning the earth couple were comparing experiences and the husband said "how was it for you?" The wife replied, "Super! How about you?" The husband responded, "It was pretty good, but she damn near twisted my ears off!"

A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer. The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"      

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door..."

A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; but when deflated, it read "Wy." After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach. As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two frozen mixed drinks. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender had "Wy" tattooed on his penis. "Hey", Jack said and smiled, "What a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy." "Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed, "Mine say 'Welcome to Jamaica. Enjoy your stay.'"