My black-eye and fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'... was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked "Where are you taking me for Valentine's?"

Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife's legs were wide apart, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again,hit his head on the table & emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get another drink. Bill's wife followed & asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial situation as well as the moral costs of this offer, John says that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons & John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time at 2 pm sharp & after paying her the agreed upon $500, they went to the bedroom & completed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed & left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm & upon entering the house, asks his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered,"Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon". Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?". In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, & after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500". Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning & borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home & pay me back." *NOW THAT'S A PLAYER ! ! ! !

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor."Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Un jour que maman faisait le lit dans la chambre de son fils âgé de 15 ans, elle tombe sur 'S&M fashion', un magazine voué à la gloire du bondage et du latex. Naturellement, elle est très en colère. Le soir, quand rentre son mari, elle lui met la revue sous le nez en lui disant: "Tiens! Regarde ce que j'ai trouvé dans la chambre de ton fils..." Son époux prend la revue, la parcourt silencieusement une minute, puis il la rend à sa femme. "Alors, qu'est-ce qu'on va faire?" lui demande-t-elle. Et papa lui répond: "Je ne sais pas, mais il y a une chose qui est sûre: c'est pas la peine de lui donner la fessée!"

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like? Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I workout everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36.What do you look like? Wellhung: I`m 6`3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I`m also wearing an old T-shirt, it`s got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny. Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OK Sweetheart: We`re in my bedroom. There`s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I`m smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge. Wellhung: I`m gulping. I`m beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: I`m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. Wellhung: Now, I`m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: I`m moaning softly. Wellhung: I`m taking hold of your blouse and I`m sliding it softly off. Sweetheart: I`m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I`m rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling. Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I`m sorry. Sweetheart: That`s, OK. It wasn`t really too expensive. Wellhung: I`ll pay for it. Sweetheart: Don`t worry about it! I`m wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder. Wellhung: I`m fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it`s stuck. Do you have scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you. Wellhung: How did you do that? I`m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: I`m arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me. Wellhung: I`m dropping the bra. Now I`m licking your, you know, breasts They`re neat! Sweetheart: I`m running my fingers through your hair. Now I`m nibbling your ear. Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: WHAT?!? Wellhung: I`m so sorry. Really. Sweetheart: I`m wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse. Wellhung: I`m taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room. Sweetheart: OK. I`m pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool. Wellhung: I`m screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee! Sweetheart: I`m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties. Wellhung: I`m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you-- ummm, wait a second... Sweetheart: What`s the matter? Wellhung: I`ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I`m choking. Sweetheart: Are you OK? Wellhung: I`m having a coughing fit. I`m turning all red. Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help? Wellhung: I`m running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink! Wellhung: I`m drinking a cup of water. There, that`s better. Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover. Wellhung: I`m washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I`m aching for you lover. Wellhung: Now I`m drying the cup. I`m putting it back in the cabinet...and now I`m walking back to the bedroom. Wait - it`s dark, I`m lost. Where is the bedroom? Sweetheart: Last door on the left - at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it. Sweetheart: I`m tugging off your pants. I want you so badly. Wellhung: Me too. Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other. Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart: Why don`t you take your glasses off? Wellhung: OK. But I can`t see very well. I`m placing my glasses on the nightstand. Sweetheart: I`m bending over the bed. Give it to me baby! Wellhung: I have to pee. I`m fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom... Sweetheart: Hurry back lover! Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it`s dark. I`m feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid. Sweetheart: I`m waiting eagerly for your return. Wellhung: I`m done going. I`m feeling around for the flush handle. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: What`s the matter now? Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again. I`m walking back to the bed now. Blindly, feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on. Wellhung: Now I`m going to put my, you know, thing in your umm, woman`s thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it! Wellhung: I`m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma`am, I`m having a little problem here. Sweetheart: I`m moving my ass back and forth. I can`t wait another second. Slide it in! Screw me! Wellhung: I`m flaccid. Sweetheart: WHAT?!? Wellhung: I`m limp. I can`t sustain an erection. Sweetheart: I`m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face. Wellhung: I`m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I`m looking for my glasses to see what the problem is. Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I`m getting dressed, I`m putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse. Wellhung: No wait. I can`t find the night table. I`m reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: I`m buttoning my blouse. I`m putting on my shoes. Wellhung: Now I`ve found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire! I`m pointing at it with a shocked look on my face! Sweetheart: Go to hell! I`m logging off, LOSER! Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!

 Petite leçon de marketing!!...  1: Tu es à une soirée et tu vois une nana très attirante.  Tu t'approches d'elle et tu lui dis :  "Je suis un très bon coup"  c'est du Marketing Direct.  2: Tu es à une soirée avec un groupe de copains et vous voyez une nana  très attirante.  Un de tes amis s'approche d'elle et lui dit :  "Tu vois ce garçon là bas, c'est un très bon coup".  c'est de la Publicité.  3: Tu es à une soirée et tu vois une nana très attirante.  Tu lui demandes son numéro de téléphone.  Le lendemain, tu l'appelles et tu lui dis :  "Je suis un très bon coup"  c'est du Télémarketing.  4: Tu es à une soirée et tu vois une nana très attirante.  Tu la reconnais. Tu t'approches d'elle, tu lui rafraîchis la mémoire  et tu lui dis  "Tu te souviens que je suis un très bon coup ?".  c'est du Customer Relationship Management.  5: Tu es à une soirée et tu vo is une nana très attirante.  Tu te lèves, tu arranges un peu tes vêtements, tu t'approches d'elle  et tu lui sers un verre.  Tu lui ouvres la porte lorsqu'elle part, tu ramasses son sac  lorsqu'il tombe.  Tu lui offre une cigarette et tu lui dis :  "Je suis très bon coup"  c'est des Relations Publiques.  6: Tu es à une soirée et tu vois une nana très attirante.  Elle s'approche de toi et te dit  "J'ai entendu dire que tu es un très bon coup".  c'est du Branding, le pouvoir de la marque.  7: Tu es à une soirée et tu vois une super belle nana.  Tu la mates, avec tes potes tu fais des réflexions lourdingues,  tu te bourres la gueule et tu rentres avec ton engin sous le bras.  c'est la réalité du marché... 

Two Irish couples agree to swap partners for the night. . . After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"

 Moi, le Pénis, sollicite par la présente une augmentation de salaire pour les raisons suivantes :  * Je travaille à de grandes profondeurs. * Je plonge la tête la première dans toutes les situations. * Je n'ai ni week-ends, ni vacances. * Je travaille en milieu humide. * Je ne suis pas payé pour les heures supplémentaires. * Je travaille en milieu sombre et sans ventilation. * Je travaille à de hautes températures. * Je suis exposé aux maladies contagieuses. Réponse: Cher Pénis, Après analyse de votre demande, considérant les arguments avancés, nous sommes au regret de ne pouvoir accéder à votre demande pour les raisons suivantes :  * Vous ne travaillez pas 8 heures en continu. * Vous vous assoupissez après un bref effort de travail. * Vous ne suivez pas toujours les ordres de la direction. * Vous ne restez pas à votre poste alloué, et allez souvent visiter d'autres sites. * Vous ne prenez pas d'initiative et avez besoin d'être pressé et stimulé pour commencer votre travail. * Vous laissez votre poste de travail crasseux à la fin de votre période. * Vous ne suivez pas toujours les règles de sécurité, comme le port de vêtement protecteur. * Vous êtes incapable de travailler en binôme. * Vous êtes incapable de travailler 2 périodes d'affilée. * Vous quittez parfois votre poste sans avoir terminé le travail de la journée. * Et comme si ce n'était pas suffisant, on vous a remarqué entrer et sortir constamment avec 2 sacs suspects. La direction.

The host of the TV quiz show “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” enter home and found his wife pregnant; he ask her ... where this come from? She replied: I asked a friend The host very angry takes her to the court where the judge tell him, you so god damn lucky that she didn’t asked the audience.

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them was playing like they wanted to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?” asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP, the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet. "You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."

A Martian couple landed on the earth. The emerged from their spacecraft and went up to a farmhouse. They knocked on the door. When the farmer and his wife answered, they announced that they were from Mars and wanted to come in to chat. The farm couple extended their hospitality and they all seemed to hit it off well. After a while, the farmer said "Do you two swing?" The martian replied, "yes", and so they swapped mates and adjourned for appropriate activity. After the martian man had climbed on, he said to the earth woman, "Is my dick long enough?" She replied, "Well, now that you mention it, I would like it a little longer." He said "no problem" and proceded to twist his left ear and, like magic, his dick got longer. "How's that now?" "One notch more" said the woman. Her request was promptly complied with via another twist of the left ear. His next question was "Would you like it a little thicker?" She replied "yes" and he twisted his right ear once. The woman said "That's perfect!" and they proceeded to bang away. The next morning the earth couple were comparing experiences and the husband said "how was it for you?" The wife replied, "Super! How about you?" The husband responded, "It was pretty good, but she damn near twisted my ears off!"

A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer. The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"      

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door..."

A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; but when deflated, it read "Wy." After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach. As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two frozen mixed drinks. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender had "Wy" tattooed on his penis. "Hey", Jack said and smiled, "What a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy." "Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed, "Mine say 'Welcome to Jamaica. Enjoy your stay.'"

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe." She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank." He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot." She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it." After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband. He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."

Normal 0 false false false EN-GB X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary wrote this......( no it wasn`t me.But names have been changed to protect the guilty.) Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION... WHAT THE...**** !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Important Notes: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! BE WARNED !!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex. They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream. The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours." The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that." The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."

I'm not sure who this woman is, But she claims she knows you.