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       Posted by NIPPY6781 Posted on March 15, 2006 View Comments 9      
So,Whats Your Sign??

.

       Posted by LANDI Posted on March 15, 2006 View Comments 0      
Due economy

An elderly couple go to a physician complaining of non-specific sexual dysfunction, and ask the doctor if he will watch them having sex to determine if anything is wrong. After their romantic session, the MD assures them that everything seems fine and sends them on their way. One week later, they are back with the same complaint, and perform under his judgemental eye once more. Again, everything seems perfectly normal and he tells them so.


Again, in one week's time, they appear and have sex while he watches. The MD, confused, tells them "Look, this is the third time you've been in here, and NOTHING is wrong with the way you make love! What's really going on here?"


"Well," the elderly gentleman replies, "you see, we're both married, but not to each other. So I can't go to her place, and she can't go to my place. Now Howard Johnson's charges $45 for a room, but you charge $35 for an office visit, plus we can write off 30% of this to Medicare."

       Posted by BLONDONBLOND Posted on March 13, 2006 View Comments 1      
Yuk!
During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

HAVE A GREAT DAY...

And WASH your damn hands!!!!!!!!
       Posted by JEDNCINDY Posted on March 13, 2006 View Comments 105      
A Letter to America

Some of you may have seen it before, but it's hilarious, and no apologies for length as it is worth reading every line.


 


To the citizens of the United States of America:-



In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.


Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrect your pronunciation has been. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.


You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix burgh is pronounced burra, as in Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.



Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with
bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.


2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".


3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).


You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire etc..


4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.


British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.


5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.


6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.



The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nonces). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2007.


You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.


7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit".


You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we dont believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".


9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.


All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.


Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.


11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per

       Posted by FOXXY88 Posted on March 5, 2006 View Comments 1      
Ladys only

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped in to the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "
University of Oklahoma
."
And they say blondes are dumb...
>>>
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
>>>
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
>>>
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a
good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and
fart.
>>>
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
>>>
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
>>>
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
>>>
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
>>>
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
>>>
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
>>>
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
>>>
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
>>>
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

       Posted by NIPPY6781 Posted on March 4, 2006 View Comments 14      
Trojan Games 2006
In here the text, description, location etc
       Posted by LANDI Posted on February 26, 2006 View Comments 0      
A clean one for a change

Two guys draw up to traffic lights, one in a Mini and the other in a Rolls Royce. The guy in the Mini winds down his electric windows, not to be outdone the Rolls driver winds his down in reply.


The Mini driver then presses a button to unwind his sun-roof, again the Rolls driver does the same.


Next, the Mini driver presses a button which causes a double bed to appear in the back of his car! The Rolls driver is gob-smacked and watches in disbelief as the Mini drives off from the green light.


Immediately, the Rolls driver goes round to his local garage and asks for the insto-bed to be fitted to his car. The mechanic tells him it will be very expensive. The Rolls driver insists it is fitted and does not care about the cost.


A few weeks later he collects his car with the insto-bed fitted. He spends hours driving around looking for the Mini. Eventually, he finds it parked in a lay-by. It's windows are all steamed up and the car is rocking.


The Rolls pulls up slowly, and he knocks on the window. After a short pause the Mini drivers' head pops out.


"What?", says the Mini driver.


"Watch this!", says the Rolls driver.


He then depresses the button and smirks proudly as a double bed appears...


To which the Mini driver retorts, "You got me out of the shower to show me that!?".

       Posted by BLONDONBLOND Posted on February 25, 2006 View Comments 1      
the first time
It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience,
but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses;
but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him
- he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you
and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper,
you feel the tissue give way;
pain surges throughout your body
and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears
but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill
but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments,
you feel something bursting within you
and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting,
glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly,
tells you, with a chuckle;
that you have been his most stubborn
yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
       Posted by NIPPY6781 Posted on February 24, 2006 View Comments 21      
Letter to America
In here the text, description, location etc
       Posted by LANDI Posted on February 24, 2006 View Comments 0      
It's the dog's b*ll*x

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.


Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."


"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

       Posted by LANDI Posted on February 24, 2006 View Comments 0      
Number please

So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."


"Hello?" the woman says.


Wow! She sounded sexy.


"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby!


Now, how does that sound?"


She says, "That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9."

       Posted by NIPPY6781 Posted on February 23, 2006 View Comments 26      
What your Prison Bitch name?
In here the text, description, location etc
       Posted by NIPPY6781 Posted on February 18, 2006 View Comments 3      
For the ladies...

I bet there's not a lady in the house who doesnt get a good laugh out of this.....


http://www.metacafe.com/watch/72008/babies_babies/

       Posted by PLAYERS Posted on February 17, 2006 View Comments 0      
More Gay Western Movies to Come!

With the recent sucess of BrokeBack Mountain Hollyweird is rushing to the big screen with a lot more gay movies.


Movie titles currently in progress are:


PRANCES WITH WOLVES

JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON

BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID

THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE

HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG

THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER

DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID

LONESOME DOUG

DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN

MCCABE AND MR. MILLER

HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES

QUICKLY DOWN UNDER

BAREBACK MOUNTING

BONE-NANZA

DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS

HOME ON THE RANGER

OKLAHOMO

ROOSTER COCKBURN

LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE

BALONEY PONY RODEO

TUBESTEAK COWBOYS

SILVER-ROD-Ohhh!!!

       Posted by LANDI Posted on February 12, 2006 View Comments 1      
Penis Length Survey

Penis Length Survey


Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so I have devised the following foolproof test.


1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).


2. Grasp your *thing* in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is "1234567890-+" the backspace key removes the `.)


3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your _thing_ on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.


4. Please post your results to net.general and I'll summarize to everyone on the net by personal mail.


Cautions


1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.


2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or place two keyboards end to end.


3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.


4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT.


Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders:


Test Results         Diagnosis


1                    You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome


12367            You have a strange gap in your penis


12efgbn        Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.


12wgui,l=]\   Seek immediate medical care.

       Posted by SEXONASTICK Posted on February 11, 2006 View Comments 1      
Attention Sergeant



A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by
a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know
  you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously!  I mean, no sex since 1955!  She took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

       Posted by HOTTEXANS Posted on February 9, 2006 View Comments 3      
Domestic Spying

"If President Bush is wiretapping my phone and listening to my calls, I think he actually should pay for half of the phone-sex bill." --David Letterman

       Posted by NIPPY6781 Posted on February 6, 2006 View Comments 3      
Stevie Does A Jazz Chord
In here the text, description, location etc
       Posted by HOTTEXANS Posted on February 2, 2006 View Comments 1      
Disappointed in Bush's speech.

"I have to say I was a little disappointed in Bush's speech. Not once did he apologize to Oprah for lying about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." --Jay Leno

       Posted by SEXONASTICK Posted on February 1, 2006 View Comments 0      
praying for peace

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
>had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a
>long, long time, so she went to check it out.
>
>
>She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was. She watched him pray, and
>after about 45 minutes when he turned to leave, she approached him for an
>interview.
>
>
>"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the wall
>and praying?"
>
>
>"For about 60 years."
>
>
>"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
>
>
>"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
>all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety
>and friendship."
>
>
>"And how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
>
>
>"Like I'm talking to a fucking brick wall of course, what do you reckon?"