I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping in Debenhams. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said pick out a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said "honey I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I add "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

MEN'S NAMESAaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.Adam - cute, funny, chicks dig him, well hung but very caring.Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women. [Lauren Howell]  !!!!!!!!!!Alex - cute and short but a liar and a cheat.Amir - dirty, smelly, pecker is minuscule.Andrew - gay and has a small pecker.Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain.Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of wee.Arnold - loser.Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.Barry - lights fires, pinches girls bottoms and is well hung.Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games.Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.Brad - thinks everyone likes him...but they don't.Brandon - good looking but uses girls.Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.Brett - world wide slut and really insensitive, women love him.Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, no he's not the Messiah he's  just a very naughty boy.Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell.Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name.Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.Cameron - Australian.Carl - thinks he's funny...he's not, falls asleep during sex.Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies, no real person has that name.Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too.Christian - very sexy and seductive.Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.Cliff - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial.Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around.Colin - lies to women and blows up public buildings.Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.Craig - tries to fit in - he never does.Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice.Darren - charming , but sleeps with men.Daryl - smells bad, has no real matesDavid - hotty and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence.Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter i.e. a ****er.Dean - full of himself and thinks with his ****.Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.Derek - has a great sense of humour, and blow-up doll collection.Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please.Don - ****head.Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.Drew - bad-arse loser who never shuts up.Duncan - hopeless ski bum, brains shot away long ago.Dylan - horny. *******, Who can't sing.Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get cos he's an arsehole.Elliott - full of himself.Eric - shy.Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient.Frank - "different" - missing DNA - favours girls named Lucy.Fraser - sucks pigs ****s & swallows the lot. Fred – always wants to take things to hand, likes to give out orders. Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight.Gary - drug addict but willing to share.Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.George - barman who drinks more than he serves.Glen - the sweetest guy - really down to earth.Greame - very hard to understand, likes group sex.Graham - will screw anything.Grant - HORNY! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.Greg - really sweet and feels sorry for himself.Harry - covers his back.Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.Hathem - smooth, but very manipulative, not to be trusted around young girls.Haydn - tries hard.Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography.Ian - really popular but knows all the girls want him...yeh right!!!Ivor - militant psychopath with homosexual tendencies.Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk.Jamie - scum of the earth.James - built like a horse. and hung like oneJay - very sweet when you get to know him well.Jeff - really ugly.Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.Jack - stupid but hot, always alright.Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection.Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head.Joel - arse.John - has no friends or life - tends to kill small animals.Jolyon - absolute raving homosexual.Jonathan - think he's good - he's ****.Jordan - sexy but weird in bed.Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.Josh - full of himself, fun.Junior - hotty and totally good at football.Justin - aggravating but lovable, insecure but successful.Kain - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up.Kevin - always attracts really fit girlfriends also has a large ****, really nice to women.Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse.Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be.Kurt - can kick anyone's arse.Kyle - hornball who eats too many cornchips.Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.Laurey - short and funny looking.Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a ******.Lyndon - can always be found in bed or in the pub.Liam - loud mouthed arsehole.Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.Luke - seems to be sweet.Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers.Mark - wished girls liked him for who he is not his great looks, Mouthy ******* though.Matt - the fat boy of the class, likes sweets and is full of ****.Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl.Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.Mohammed - small *****Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.Nick - nice - can't get past t

Unconfirmed Sources has received the Terror Alert Schedule for the upcoming 2006 congressional election season. The Terror Alert Schedule lays out the dates and alert levels for the for the next twelve months. The previously top secret schedule has been released so that candidates can better plan statements and campaign events in relation to the alert periods. It's going to be a busy year with several periods of high alert and at least one period at the top of the scale just before the November elections. Departments of Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff released the schedule at news conference Sunday morning and spoke briefly with reporters."We've got a very busy election season coming up with lots of things to coordinate so we decided that announcing the schedule ahead of time would cut a lot of red tape and avoid any unnecessary confusion. These terror alerts catch many people off guard and can really hamper the smooth operation of government and public transportation. We here at the DHS have learned our lesson from Katrina and hope this plan will keep everybody informed."Washington insiders agree releasing the schedule will save lots of trouble and confusion."Before the last presidential election we had several very poorly planned alerts." Admits White House strategist Karl Rove. "We did our best to capitalize on them, but it was a lot of work. In a few cases we only knew a month ahead of time and that just isn't enough time to plan really good campaign events around a terror alert. We did it and they really helped us in our re-election effort, but knowing ahead on time the whole year's terror alerts will make planning of congressional election efforts much easier.""It's about time DHS got it's act together and really helped America through a tough time." Says Republican strategist Charles Krauthammer. "Terror alerts are a great election year tool and coordinating their use is very great improvement over the last election cycle. I think DHS might have felt a little timid after the trouble they had in the 2004 election, maybe that is why they haven't called a terror alert since then. I'm glad to see they are over that and have healthy alert season planned out. No doubt about it terror alerts are a political tool, its time we got serious about using them."

http://www.break.com/index/internet_sex.html

It’s a very hot day somewhere in Texas, and a cowboy comes riding slowly into town.   Thirsty, tired and badly burned by the sun, the cowboy rides straight to the saloon.   Tipping his hat to the sheriff as he jumps off his horse: “Howdy, sheriff!”   The sheriff, rocking in his rocking-chair, nods lightly: “Howdy, stranger!”   As the cowboy walks around the back of the horse, he lifts the horse’s tail, and places a loud kiss where the sun don’t shine…   The sheriff stops his rocking-chair: “Now, hold it mister! Did I just see what I just saw?”   The cowboy dryly replies: “’Reckon you did, sir!”   The sheriff, getting up from his rocking-chair: “Why on earth would you ever want to kiss a horse’s ass?”   The cowboy explains: “Sir, I got me some bad chapped lips, and this keeps me from licking them!”

A Prodestant is cycling down the Falls Road in Belfast. A Catholic is driving his car in the opposite direction, He notices the Union Jack flying from a lampost and in anger looses concentration and knocks down the Prodestant cycylist. The guy is thrown off his bike and lays on the roadside covered in blood. The Catholic jumps out of his car and runs up to the Prodestant and says oh my God I am so sorry, is there anything I can do to help. The Prodestant says no no i'l be Ok, The Catholic says there must be something I can do you look in terrible state, can I get you a priest ? The Prodestant says " You must be fucking joking son, the last thing on my mind at a time like this is sex !

A catholic and a protestant priest were having their usual drink at a local bar.   The catholic priest says: “It would be nice to have a vacation sometime.”   The protestant priest replies: “Good idea, why don’t you go?”   The catholic priest complains: “No, I couldn’t leave, they need me here!”   The protestant priest insists: “Listen, you need a vacation. We are old colleagues, just tell me what to do!”   The catholic priest thinks for a while and agrees: “Maybe you are right, my old friend. Look here, take this little wise book. Whenever you have a question, you should find the answer in there!”   The protestant priest takes the book and wonders: “What about confessions? What do I do, what do I say?”   The catholic priest says calmly: “Don’t worry, that’s easy, whenever you have a question, just have a look in the little wise book!”   The catholic priest departs on vacation, and pretty soon the protestant priest finds himself alone with different kinds of confessions.   A woman comes in, sits down, and confesses that she has had sexual thoughts about her neighbour.   The protestant priest looks in the little wise book. Flipping the pages, yes, here we are: sexual thoughts about your neighbour! Hoping she hasn’t noticed the pause, he speaks: “My child, go and pray 30 Ave Maria, and everything will be forgotten!”   Next in to confess is a man who admits to often having sex with his secretary.   The protestant priest refers to his little wise book and calmly states: “My son, go and pray 100 Ave Maria and you shall be forgiven!”   Now, the next man enters, sits down and shamefully cries: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned!”   The protestant priest, starting to like his new job, inquires: “Bless you, my child, what is your sin?”   The man collects himself and whispers: “I have had anal sex!”   The protestant priest looks in his little wise book, but finds nothing under anal sex. Feeling the panic, he opens the rear door and sees a young choir-boy walking by. Quickly taking the chance he hoarsely whispers: “Son, what do you get for anal sex around here?!?”  The choir-boy says “Oh?!” and smiles, “Sometimes Snickers, sometimes a Mars…”

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.    "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"    Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.  She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.    Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."    The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......    "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back?".

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the plains>without water.>>His horse has already died of thirst.>>He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last>breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand>several yards ahead of him.>>He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what>looks to be an old brief case.>>He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.>>She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.>>There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked>behind one ear.>>"Well, cowboy," says the genie! ... "You know how I work. You have three>wishes.">>"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an>IRS genie.">>She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no>transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!">>T he cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is>right.>>He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and>drink.">>***POOF***>>The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.>And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.>>The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.">>"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.">>***POOF***>>The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare>gold coins and precious gems.>>The genie said, "OK, broke-back boy, you have just one more wish. Better>make it a good one!">>After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish>>that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.">>***POOF***>>He turned into a tampon.>>The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's>going to be a string at tached !!!!!>>   _____

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front  of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the  front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away fromevil incarnate.Soon the church was empty except for one elderly  gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to  the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure  do.""Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked."Nope, sure ain't."  said the man."Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked  Satan."Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone."Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan."Yep," was the calm reply.And  you're still not afraid?" asked Satan."Nope," said the old  man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"         The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years".

        My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it           He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore           It’s the dogs mess that I find really hard to swallow           I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off           I wish to complain that my father has hurt his ankle very badly, then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage           And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence           I wish to complain that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.           SPAN lang=EN-AU style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #003366; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma; mso-bidi-font-size: 1

    If you yelled for 8  years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound  energy to heat one cup of coffee.  (Hardly seems worth it.)      If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is  produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.  (Now that's more like it!)      The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body  to squirt blood 30 feet.  (O.M.G.!)     A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #e01f25; FONT-FAM

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Innovative b) Preliminary c) Proliferation d) Cinnamon Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Specificity b) British Constitution c) Passive-aggressive disorder d) Transubstantiate Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk... a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you. b) Nope, no more booze for me. c) Sorry, but you're not really my type. d) No kebab for me, thank you. e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? f) I'm not interested in fighting you. g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing. h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool. i) Where is the nearest  toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street. j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning  

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a  job.  The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"  The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."  The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.  His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.  After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked  "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"  The Aussie said "One."  The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.  How much was the sale for?  "  .......  £ 124,237.64. pounds"  The manager choked and exclaimed  £ 124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did you sell him?"   "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady  friend SPAN style="FONT-SIZ

Best of the week.I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ somuch. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I havenever figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting intobed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don'tfeel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for meto satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for youin the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, bigunnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried onseveral different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes tocompliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. Wewent onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought Iwas one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing mebecause she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of theexcitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feellike it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled 'WHAT?'" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You'rejust not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me tosatisfy your shopping needs as a woman."  And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitchknows I'm smarter than her.

Be Careful I don't know how many of you shop at the Hardware store, but this may be useful to know.   I am posting this to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.   This happened to me at Hardware Store, and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works:Two seriously good-looking 25 year-old girls come over as you are loading what you bought into your car or truck. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, the say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Hardware store. You agree, and they get in your back seat. On the way, they start making out and touching each other.   Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while theother one steals your wallet.     Even though they only got $20 in my wallet. I had my wallet stolen on Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Sunday, and also yesterday.So please be careful! THE BEEF    

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that my progeny or yours?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell which of us is the father of that sapling?” The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in                                                   The Silver Minx

  There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgious women. Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream. The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder. The chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the chinese guy goes "Me chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.They were surprised to find that in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit!"Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Georgia, Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin'".

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls." ** Women will love this...Prayer Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; to Love him, to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. Amen!