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| This will make you Smile |
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
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| Works for me... |
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning
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| The wife sent me this thought I'd share |
Best of the week.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was
that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you
in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to
play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,
honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think
this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
'WHAT?'"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.
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| My most recent visit to the hardware store |
Be Careful
I don't know how many of you shop at the Hardware store, but this may be useful to know.
I am posting this to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
This happened to me at Hardware Store, and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 25 year-old girls come over as you are loading what you bought into your car or truck. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, the say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Hardware store. You agree, and they get in your back seat.
On the way, they start making out and touching each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the
other one steals your wallet.
Even though they only got $20 in my wallet.
I had my wallet stolen on Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Sunday, and also yesterday.
So please be careful!
THE BEEF
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| Just a little humor |
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that my progeny or yours?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell which of us is the father of that sapling?” The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in
The Silver Minx |
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| How To Make A Girl Scream |
There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgious women.
Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.
The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.
The chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the chinese guy goes "Me chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"
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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find that in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit!"
Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Georgia, Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin'". |
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| HOW TO STAY MARRIED |
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
** Women will love this...Prayer
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; to Love him, to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
Amen! |
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| The Swedish Student |
The Swedish Student
At a local college, there was a dance.
A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it." |
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| The Hormone Hostage |
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man
has to do is open his mouth, and he takes his life in his hands. This is a
handy guide that should be as common as a driver's licence in the wallet of
every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's £50.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that dressing gown!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly, Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
And my favourite:
13. Potential Murder Suspect.
Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends, and
those who might need a
good laugh (or men who need a warning)!
And remember: money talks - but chocolate sings
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| Excuses to give your boss? |
Anal Glaucoma
An employee calls her boss to say she won't be into work today, she is sick.
The boss, a little ticked that she's called in sick again says "What's the matter with you?"
"I have anal glaucoma" the employee replies.
"Anal glaucoma, what the heck is that"says the bossman.
Employee chirps back "I just can't see my ass getting into work today".  |
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| THINGS TO DO IN WALMART |
While at Walmart....
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares".... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera; & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!" |
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| Alzheimers research |
more money is now spent on boob jobs and viagra than on Alzheimers research, so by 2040 the elderly will have perky tits and stiff cocks but no fucking idea why!
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| lesbians |
a quickie:
what do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
well hung!!!!
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| Two Old Laide |
Two old ladies are sitting outside smoking. Out of no where it starts to rain, so one of the old ladies takes out a condom, bites off the end, and puts it over her lit cigarette.
Helga says to the other old lady: Mertle, what the hell is that.
Mertle: It's a condom.
Helga: And why do you have it on your cigarette?
Mertle: Keeps it from getting wet in the rain.
Helga: Well where did you get it?
Mertle: From the pharmacy.
So the next day Helga goes to the pharmacy and says to the guy behind the counter: "Sir, I need some condoms".
The guy looks at her, in utter amazement (cause she's like 80) and says, "Well Ma'am, they come in lots of different sizes and textures. Is there any particular one kind you'd like"?
Helga looks at him and says, "It don't matter to me as long as it fits a cammel"!!!!!!! |
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| Laws of the natural universe |
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. |
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| computer software |
Dear Tech Support,
>
> Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
> I soon noticed
> that the new program began unexpected child processing
> that took up a
> lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of
> this was included
> with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0
> installed itself
> into all other programs and now launches during system
> initialization,
> where it monitors all other system activity.
> Applications such as Poker
> Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, Football 5.0,
> Hockey 3.0, Hunting
> and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run,
> crashing the system
> whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in
> the background while
> attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm
> thinking about going
> back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the Uninstall doesn't work
> on Wife 1.0.
>
> Please help! Thanks.
> A Troubled User
>
> REPLY FROM TECH SUPPORT:
>
> Dear Troubled User,
>
> This is a very common problem that men complain about.
> It is due to a
> primary misconception among men. Many people upgrade
> from Girlfriend 7.0
> to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a Utilities and
> Entertainment
> program.
>
> Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its
> creator to run
> everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0
> and return to
> Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating system files cause
> Girlfriend 7.0 to
> emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is
> impossible to uninstall,
> delete, or purge the program files from the system
> once installed. You
> cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is
> designed to not
> allow this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0
> or Wife 2.0 but
> end up with more problems than in the original system.
>
> Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings:
> Maintenance/Child
> Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work
> on improving the
> situation. I suggest installing the background
> application program
> Yes_Dear to alleviate software augmentation.
>
> Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that
> you read the
> entire section regarding "General Partnership faults"
> (GPFs). "You must
> assume all responsibility for any faults and problems
> that occur,
> regardless of their cause. You will also find that
> GPFs tend to be
> somewhat cyclical, occurring approximately 28 days
> apart. The best
> course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
> Avoid excessive
> use of C:\YES_DEAR because ultimately you will have to
> use the APOLOGIZE
> command before the system will return to normal
> anyway. Remember, the
> system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame
> for all GPFs.
>
> wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to require very
> high maintenance.
> Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as
> Clean_and_Sweep
> 3.0, Cook_It 1.5 (which replaces Burn_It 1.0) and
> Do_Bills 4.2. You must
> however be very careful how you use these programs.
> Improper use will
> cause the system to launch the program Nag_Nag 9.5.
> Once this happens,
> the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is
> to purchase
> additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and
> Diamonds 5.0 should
> this happen.
>
> WARNING!! *DO NOT* under any circumstances, install
> Secretary_With_Short_Skirt. This application is not
> supported by Wife
> 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the
> operating system.
>
> Regards
> Tech Support
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| Rectum Stretcher |
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit),
a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,
and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what?
A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it, until it's about 6-feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6-foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..! ."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS
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