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| Adán y Eva |
Adán y Eva
Un alemán, un francés, un inglés, y un cubano comentan sobre un cuadro de Adán y Eva en el Paraíso.
El alemán dice:
- Miren qué perfección de cuerpos: ella esbelta y Espigada, él con ese cuerpo atlético, los músculos perfilados...deben de ser alemanes.
Inmediatamente, el francés reaccionó:
- No lo creo. El claro el erotismo que se desprende de ambas figuras...ella tan femenina...él tan masculino. Saben que pronto llegará la tentación... Deben ser franceses.
Moviendo negativamente la cabeza el inglés comenta:
- Para nada. Noten la serenidad de sus rostros, la delicadeza de la pose, la sobriedad del gesto. Sólo pueden ser ingleses
Después de unos segundos más de contemplación, el cubano exclama:
- No estoy de acuerdo. Miren bien: no tienen ropa, no tienen zapatos, no tienen casa, no tienen dinero. Sólo tienen una pobre manzana para comer y Para colmo, esta prohibida. No protestan y todavia piensan que están en el Paraiso.... Esos son .... " cubanos ".
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| No Political Bollocks in this Posting, just a lighthearted look at some of the things we all do |
Why, Why, Why
1. Why do we press harder on the buttons of a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know full well there is no money in the account to pay the fee?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
11. Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
12. Is there ever a day that 3 piece suite are not in a half price sale?
13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
15. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
16. How do dead insects get into those enclosed light fittings?
17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping trolley then apologises for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
19. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
21. The statistics on Sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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| Remember when!!! (mainly for UK people) |
Just for a minute
Just for a minute, forget everything stressful and read this...............
Close your eyes and go back in time...
Before the Internet...
Before semi-automatics, joyriders and crack....
Before SEGA or Super Nintendo...
Way back........
I'm talking about Hide and Seek in the park.
The corner shop.
Hopscotch.
Butterscotch.
Skipping.
Handstands.
Football with an old can.
Fingerbob.
Beano, Dandy, Buster, Twinkle and Dennis the Menace.
Roly Poly.
Hula Hoops, jumping the stream, building dams.
The smell of the sun and fresh cut grass.
Bazooka Joe bubble gum.
An ice cream cone on a warm summer night from the van that plays a tune.
Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe Neapolitan or perhaps screwball.
Wait......
Watching Saturday morning cartoons, short commercials or the flicks.
Children's Film Foundation, The Double Deckers, Red Hand Gang,
Tomorrow People, Tiswas or Swapshop?, and 'Why Don't You'? - or staying up
for Doctor Who.
When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like going
somewhere.
Earwigs, wasps, stinging nettles and bee stings.
Sticky fingers.
Playing Marbles. Ball bearings. Big 'uns and Little 'uns.
Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, and Zorro.
Climbing trees.
Making igloos out of snow banks.
Walking to school, no matter what the weather.
Running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach
hurt.
Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights.
Spinning around on roundabouts, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for
giggles.
Being tired from playing....remember that?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Football cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Choppers and Grifters.
Eating raw jelly. Orange squash ice pops. Vimto and Jubbly lollies
Remember when...
There were two types of trainers - girls and boys, and Dunlop Green Flash
The only time you wore them at School was for P.E.
And they were called gym shoes or if you are older - plimsoles
You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents.
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.
You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve.
When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.
When 25p was decent pocket money
Curly Whirlys. Space Dust. Toffo's.
Top Trumps.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry
groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When being sent to the head's office was nothing compared to the fate that
awaited a misbehaving pupil at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive-by
shootings, drugs, gangs etc.
Parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat and some of us are still
afraid of them.
Didn't that feel good?
Just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!
Remember when....
Decisions were made by going "Ip, Dip, Dog Sh*t"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs.
And the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one.
It was unbelievable that 'British Bulldog 123' wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a catapult.
Nobody was prettier than Mum.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED.
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their grown life...
I DOUBLE-DARE YOU
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| Posted by
BLONDONBLOND |
Posted on October 14, 2006 |
View Comments 1 |
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| Red Wine |
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Red Wine.
Red Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Red Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Red Wine almost immediately, and with a regime of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with Red Wine.
Red Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Red Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
&n |
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| Hard boiled sweets |
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
"So", Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.
As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood.
He turns to Smartie and says, "I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are fuckin' menthol!". |
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| The Lords Prayer |
My vibro which brings me heaven, Rabbit be thy name.
Til kingdom come, thy make me cum...on earth with eyes on heaven.
Giv me this day my daily thrill, and forgive me my screams, as i forgive flat batteries.
Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from frustration.
For thine is the rotation, the power and the buzzing,
for ever and ever NO MEN !!! |
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| breasts |
An elephant asks a camel,
"Why are your breasts on your back?"
"Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose Wiener is on his face."
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| Posted by
SWEETLASS1 |
Posted on September 27, 2006 |
View Comments 7 |
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| Parenting |
BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't' t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
______________________________________________________
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing
______________________________________________________
Dummies:
1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and
wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Nappies:
1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________________________
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to t |
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| Having a drink. |
A man walks into a bar and sees a sexy blonde sitting at the bar,he walks over and offers to buy her a drink.No thanks she replys alcohol does not agree with my legs.Why says the man does it make them swell,no says the blonde it makes them open. |
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| Mood Swings |
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that
when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big f#cking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond......
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| 25 Things We have learnt from porn! |
25 things we've learn't from porn
Women wear heels to bed Men are never impotent When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than enough Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob Women always orgasm when men do A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket All women are noisy fucks People in the 70s couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background A common and enjoyable sex practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt Men always groan "OH YEAH" when they cum If there is two of them they "high 5" each other and the girl isn't disgusted Double penetration makes women smile Asian men don't exist There's a plot When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt Nurses suck patient's cocks Men always pull out Women never have headaches or periods When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it" Assholes are clean A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there Men don't have to beg When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip  |
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| Thumbs Up ! |
A guy goes to Vegas and gambles away his money.
He hops into a taxi to catch his flight home.
The driver says that will be $ 15 .
I don't have the $15 but I will give you my DL, a check, or a IOU, I promise I will pay you back. The driver says get out of my taxi. The guy hitches a ride from a passerby and catches his plane.
A year later he is in Vegas and staying at the same hotel as before. He goes to catch a taxi and sees the merciless driver at the end of the line. So he comes up with a plan.
He gets in the 1st taxi and says how much to the airport? The driver says $15. And how much for a BJ? The driver says get out of my car! He repeats this process with each driver til he reaches the merciless one. At that point he gets in and says take me to the airport. As he is being driven past all the other taxi drivers he gives them a big smile and thumbs up.  |
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| women.............. |
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it,
I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping in Debenhams.
I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said pick out a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when
she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I
blurted out,
"No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"
I then said "honey I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I add
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. |
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| Posted by
FLYINGDUTCHMAN |
Posted on August 13, 2006 |
View Comments 1 |
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| Department of Homeland Security Announces 2006 Election Terror Alert Schedule |
Unconfirmed Sources has received the Terror Alert Schedule for the upcoming 2006 congressional election season. The Terror Alert Schedule lays out the dates and alert levels for the for the next twelve months. The previously top secret schedule has been released so that candidates can better plan statements and campaign events in relation to the alert periods. It's going to be a busy year with several periods of high alert and at least one period at the top of the scale just before the November elections.
Departments of Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff released the schedule at news conference Sunday morning and spoke briefly with reporters.
"We've got a very busy election season coming up with lots of things to coordinate so we decided that announcing the schedule ahead of time would cut a lot of red tape and avoid any unnecessary confusion. These terror alerts catch many people off guard and can really hamper the smooth operation of government and public transportation. We here at the DHS have learned our lesson from Katrina and hope this plan will keep everybody informed."
Washington insiders agree releasing the schedule will save lots of trouble and confusion.
"Before the last presidential election we had several very poorly planned alerts." Admits White House strategist Karl Rove. "We did our best to capitalize on them, but it was a lot of work. In a few cases we only knew a month ahead of time and that just isn't enough time to plan really good campaign events around a terror alert. We did it and they really helped us in our re-election effort, but knowing ahead on time the whole year's terror alerts will make planning of congressional election efforts much easier."
"It's about time DHS got it's act together and really helped America through a tough time." Says Republican strategist Charles Krauthammer. "Terror alerts are a great election year tool and coordinating their use is very great improvement over the last election cycle. I think DHS might have felt a little timid after the trouble they had in the 2004 election, maybe that is why they haven't called a terror alert since then. I'm glad to see they are over that and have healthy alert season planned out. No doubt about it terror alerts are a political tool, its time we got serious about using them."
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| Very hot day somewhere in Texas |
It’s a very hot day somewhere in Texas, and a cowboy comes riding slowly into town.
Thirsty, tired and badly burned by the sun, the cowboy rides straight to the saloon.
Tipping his hat to the sheriff as he jumps off his horse: “Howdy, sheriff!”
The sheriff, rocking in his rocking-chair, nods lightly: “Howdy, stranger!”
As the cowboy walks around the back of the horse, he lifts the horse’s tail, and places a loud kiss where the sun don’t shine…
The sheriff stops his rocking-chair: “Now, hold it mister! Did I just see what I just saw?”
The cowboy dryly replies: “’Reckon you did, sir!”
The sheriff, getting up from his rocking-chair: “Why on earth would you ever want to kiss a horse’s ass?”
The cowboy explains: “Sir, I got me some bad chapped lips, and this keeps me from licking them!” |
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A Prodestant is cycling down the Falls Road in Belfast. A Catholic is driving his car in the opposite direction, He notices the Union Jack flying from a lampost and in anger looses concentration and knocks down the Prodestant cycylist. The guy is thrown off his bike and lays on the roadside covered in blood. The Catholic jumps out of his car and runs up to the Prodestant and says oh my God I am so sorry, is there anything I can do to help. The Prodestant says no no i'l be Ok, The Catholic says there must be something I can do you look in terrible state, can I get you a priest ?
The Prodestant says " You must be fucking joking son, the last thing on my mind at a time like this is sex ! |
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| A catholic priest and a protestant priest |
A catholic and a protestant priest were having their usual drink at a local bar.
The catholic priest says: “It would be nice to have a vacation sometime.”
The protestant priest replies: “Good idea, why don’t you go?”
The catholic priest complains: “No, I couldn’t leave, they need me here!”
The protestant priest insists: “Listen, you need a vacation. We are old colleagues, just tell me what to do!”
The catholic priest thinks for a while and agrees: “Maybe you are right, my old friend. Look here, take this little wise book. Whenever you have a question, you should find the answer in there!”
The protestant priest takes the book and wonders: “What about confessions? What do I do, what do I say?”
The catholic priest says calmly: “Don’t worry, that’s easy, whenever you have a question, just have a look in the little wise book!”
The catholic priest departs on vacation, and pretty soon the protestant priest finds himself alone with different kinds of confessions.
A woman comes in, sits down, and confesses that she has had sexual thoughts about her neighbour.
The protestant priest looks in the little wise book. Flipping the pages, yes, here we are: sexual thoughts about your neighbour! Hoping she hasn’t noticed the pause, he speaks: “My child, go and pray 30 Ave Maria, and everything will be forgotten!”
Next in to confess is a man who admits to often having sex with his secretary.
The protestant priest refers to his little wise book and calmly states: “My son, go and pray 100 Ave Maria and you shall be forgiven!”
Now, the next man enters, sits down and shamefully cries: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned!”
The protestant priest, starting to like his new job, inquires: “Bless you, my child, what is your sin?”
The man collects himself and whispers: “I have had anal sex!”
The protestant priest looks in his little wise book, but finds nothing under anal sex. Feeling the panic, he opens the rear door and sees a young choir-boy walking by. Quickly taking the chance he hoarsely whispers: “Son, what do you get for anal sex around here?!?”
The choir-boy says “Oh?!” and smiles, “Sometimes Snickers, sometimes a Mars…” |
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| Oops!! |
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back?". |
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| Trust |
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the plains
>without water.
>
>His horse has already died of thirst.
>
>He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
>breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
>several yards ahead of him.
>
>He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
>looks to be an old brief case.
>
>He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
>
>She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
>
>There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked
>behind one ear.
>
>"Well, cowboy," says the genie! ... "You know how I work. You have three
>wishes."
>
>"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an
>IRS genie."
>
>She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no
>transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
>
>T he cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
>right.
>
>He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and
>drink."
>
>***POOF***
>
>The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
>And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
>
>The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
>
>"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
>
>***POOF***
>
>The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
>gold coins and precious gems.
>
>The genie said, "OK, broke-back boy, you have just one more wish. Better
>make it a good one!"
>
>After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish
>
>that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
>
>***POOF***
>
>He turned into a tampon.
>
>The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's
>going to be a string at tached !!!!!
>
> _____
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