A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.  He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.  You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman.  He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy" Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special" Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer.  He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.  Not like me. When I change a fuse, the whole street blacks out.  But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right." Passenger. "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.  But Frank, he never made a mistake" Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around." Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.  No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow."  

Jacques Chirac, the French president, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.   "Hallo, Mr Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"   "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"   "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is me-self,me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"   Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring ya back.   Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"   "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; TEXT-DECORATION:

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"   "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"   The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"   The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"  Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your Majesty, that would be me." Yes, Very good," says the Queen.   Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice President, the same question. "Dick, answer this for me Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."   Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?   Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"   Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."   Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney an

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner: 1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing. 2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch. 3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this? 4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way. 5) TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me! 6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit. 7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem. 8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck? 9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work. 10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? 11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass. 12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die. 13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass. 14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary. 15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass. 16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks. 17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss? 18) TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Blow me. 19) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

Men are like....1. Men are like ....Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.2. Men are like....Bananas...... The older they get, the less firm they are.3. Men are like ......Weather.. Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like .......Blenders.. You need One, but you're not quite sure why.5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.6. Men are like ... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.7. Men are like .....Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.8. Men are like .....Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.9. Men are like .....Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like ....Popcorn..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.11. Men are like... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

This will be my last post for some time.This will come as a shock to some of you, but I have made the monumental decision to take off for a complete year from tomorrow. There are a number of reasons,but the major contributor to my decision has been my involvement with a guerrilla group in Africa, which is fighting for freedom and justice against unbelievable odds. I have been in contact with this group for a number of years by email, and now will finally join them.I know most of you will think I am totally crazy - - but I have not made this decision lightly. Nothing you can say or do will stop me from doing what I truly believe in. I realize the timing is terrible and my family will suffer but I hope to see you again in happier days when I return from my mission!N.B. Photo of rebel group attached inside.....

Funny names for profiles... Single guy.... Crumpled Foreskin

http://www.myheritage.com/

Adán y Eva Un alemán, un francés, un inglés, y un cubano comentan sobre un cuadro de Adán y Eva en el Paraíso.   El alemán dice:- Miren qué perfección de cuerpos: ella esbelta y Espigada, él con ese cuerpo atlético, los músculos  perfilados...deben de ser alemanes.Inmediatamente, el francés reaccionó: - No lo creo. El claro el erotismo que se desprende de ambas figuras...ella tan femenina...él tan masculino. Saben que pronto llegará la tentación... Deben ser franceses.Moviendo negativamente la cabeza el inglés comenta: - Para nada.  Noten  la serenidad de sus rostros, la delicadeza de la pose, la sobriedad del gesto. Sólo pueden ser inglesesDespués de unos segundos más de contemplación, el cubano  exclama:- No estoy de acuerdo. Miren bien: no tienen ropa, no tienen  zapatos, no tienen casa, no tienen dinero. Sólo tienen una pobre manzana para comer y Para colmo, esta prohibida. No protestan y todavia piensan que están en el Paraiso.... Esos son .... " cubanos ".  

Why, Why, Why 1.  Why do we press harder on the buttons of a  remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?2.  Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know full well there is no money in the account to pay the fee? 3.  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 4.  Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? 5.  Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? 6.  Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? 7.  Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?8.  Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 9.  Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? 10.  If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? 11.  Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?12.  Is there ever a day that 3 piece suite are not in a half price sale? 13.  Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? 14.  Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their  vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? 15.  Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?16.  How do dead insects get into those enclosed light fittings?17.  When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a  shopping trolley then apologises for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"18.  Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?19.  In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?20.  How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?And my FAVORITE......21.  The statistics on Sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.  

Just for a minute Just for a minute, forget everything stressful and read this............... Close your eyes and go back in time... Before the Internet... Before semi-automatics, joyriders and crack.... Before SEGA or Super Nintendo... Way back........ I'm talking about Hide and Seek in the park. The corner shop. Hopscotch. Butterscotch. Skipping. Handstands. Football with an old can. Fingerbob. Beano, Dandy, Buster, Twinkle and Dennis the Menace. Roly Poly. Hula Hoops, jumping the stream, building dams. The smell of the sun and fresh cut grass. Bazooka Joe bubble gum. An ice cream cone on a warm summer night from the van that plays a tune. Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe Neapolitan or perhaps screwball. Wait...... Watching Saturday morning cartoons, short commercials or the flicks. Children's Film Foundation, The Double Deckers, Red Hand Gang, Tomorrow People, Tiswas or Swapshop?, and 'Why Don't You'? - or staying up for Doctor Who. When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like going somewhere. Earwigs, wasps, stinging nettles and bee stings. Sticky fingers. Playing Marbles. Ball bearings. Big 'uns and Little 'uns. Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, and Zorro. Climbing trees. Making igloos out of snow banks. Walking to school, no matter what the weather. Running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights. Spinning around on roundabouts, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. Being tired from playing....remember that? The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Football cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. Choppers and Grifters. Eating raw jelly. Orange squash ice pops. Vimto and Jubbly lollies Remember when... There were two types of trainers - girls and boys, and Dunlop Green Flash The only time you wore them at School was for P.E. And they were called gym shoes or if you are older - plimsoles You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents. It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends. You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve. When nobody owned a pure-bred dog. When 25p was decent pocket money Curly Whirlys. Space Dust. Toffo's. Top Trumps. When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there. When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. When being sent to the head's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving pupil at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs etc. Parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat and some of us are still afraid of them. Didn't that feel good? Just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! Remember when.... Decisions were made by going "Ip, Dip, Dog Sh*t" "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs. And the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one. It was unbelievable that 'British Bulldog 123' wasn't an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a catapult. Nobody was prettier than Mum. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin. Ice cream was considered a basic food group. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors. If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED. Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their grown life... I DOUBLE-DARE YOU

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?   Do you suffer from shyness?   Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?   If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about  Red Wine.     Red Wine   is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Red Wine   can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.   You will notice the benefits of Red Wine   almost immediately, and with a regime of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.   Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.   Stop hiding and start living, with Red Wine.   Red Wine   may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Red Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.   Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness,  loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,  delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,  and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,  Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                        WARNING:       The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                      WARNING:       The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                      WARNING:       The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                      WARNING:          The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.         &n

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in.""So", Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.After a while they get bored and walk out.Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood.He turns to Smartie and says, "I thought you were going to look after me.""I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are fuckin' menthol!".

My vibro which brings me heaven, Rabbit be thy name. Til kingdom come, thy make me cum...on earth with eyes on heaven. Giv me this day my daily thrill, and forgive me my screams, as i forgive flat batteries. Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from frustration. For thine is the rotation, the power and the buzzing,  for ever and ever NO MEN !!!

An elephant asks a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?""Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose Wiener is on his face."

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN              1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes._____________________________________________________Preparing for the Birth:1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't' t do a thing.3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month______________________________________________________The Layette:1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?______________________________________________________Worries:1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing______________________________________________________Dummies:1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home andwash and boil it.2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.______________________________________________________Nappies:1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour, whether they need it or not.2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed. 3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.______________________________________________________Activities:1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.______________________________________________________Going Out:1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.______________________________________________________At Home:1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.______________________________________________________Swallowing Coins (a favorite):1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to t

A man walks into a bar and sees a sexy blonde sitting at the bar,he walks over and offers to buy her a drink.No thanks she replys alcohol does not agree with my legs.Why says the man does it make them swell,no says the blonde it makes them open.

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f#cking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond......  

25 things we've learn't from porn Women wear heels to bed Men are never impotent When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than enough Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob Women always orgasm when men do A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket All women are noisy fucks People in the 70s couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background A common and enjoyable sex practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt Men always groan "OH YEAH" when they cum If there is two of them they "high 5" each other and the girl isn't disgusted Double penetration makes women smile Asian men don't exist There's a plot When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt Nurses suck patient's cocks Men always pull out Women never have headaches or periods When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it" Assholes are clean A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there Men don't have to beg When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip

A guy goes to Vegas and gambles away his money. He hops into a taxi to catch his flight home. The driver says that will be $ 15 . I don't have the $15 but I will give you my DL, a check, or a IOU, I promise I will pay you back. The driver says get out of my taxi. The guy hitches a ride from a passerby and catches his plane. A year later he is in Vegas and staying at the same hotel as before. He goes to catch a taxi and sees the merciless driver at the end of the line. So he comes up with a plan. He gets in the 1st taxi and says how much to the airport? The driver says $15. And how much for a BJ? The driver says get out of my car! He repeats this process with each driver til he reaches the merciless one. At that point he gets in and says take me to the airport. As he is being driven past all the other taxi drivers he gives them a big smile and thumbs up.