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       Posted by FUNPLAYMATES Posted on July 5, 2007 View Comments 0      
Wal-mart greeter

What it takes to be a Walmart Greeter:

An office manager at Walmart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
four people who were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,  the interviewer asked,

"What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied,

"A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning  that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer."And now you sir?" he  asked the second man.

"Hmm.! Let me see. A BLINK ! It comes and goes and you don't know  that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a  very popular clich for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the  wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and  thought he had found his man.

"It's hard to beat the speed of light, " he said. Turning to  `Bubba`, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I  wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already XXXX in my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart...

       Posted by ALUMARINE Posted on June 30, 2007 View Comments 1      

A guy pulls an older woman at a club.  She was in great shape for 57.  They drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and she asked if he ever had a mother/daughter 3some.  He said no.  She said tonight was his lucky night.  They went back to her place, she opened the door and shouted up the stairs: "Hey Mom, you still awake?" 

       Posted by BOBJANE77 Posted on June 29, 2007 View Comments 0      
Hell of a moustache !
his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this guy asked his barber
for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he´d come across was, "Er, female juices.""But you´re balder than I am," protested the customer."True," admitted the barber, "but you´ve gotta admit I´ve got one hell of a moustache!"
       Posted by BOBJANE77 Posted on June 29, 2007 View Comments 0      
In here the text, description, location etcA guy goes into the public restroom and sees this other guy standing next to the
urinal looking a bit agitated.The man has no arms. As he`s standing
there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor
wretch is going to take a leak.He finishes and starts to leave
when the man asks the guy to help him out. Being a kind soul, he says,
"Ah, OK, sure, I´ll help you."The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"Well..........OK."Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?""Uh, yeah, OK."He  pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair
clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then
the guy asks him to point it for him, and so he points for him. "Could you,er.......shake it for me ,please ? Also would you tuck it away ,too ,please ?"He  then
shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.The guy tells him, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."He says, "No problem, but what the hell´s wrong with your dick?"The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don´t know, but sure as hell i ain´t touching it."
       Posted by BOBJANE77 Posted on June 29, 2007 View Comments 0      
The funeral suit
A bereaved woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
husband´s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to
be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn´t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he´s wearing?"
"No," she insists. "It must be a blue suit." She then gives him a blank
check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director, "That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?"
He says, "Actually, it didn´t cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same
size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were
buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So, I switched the heads."
       Posted by BOBJANE77 Posted on June 29, 2007 View Comments 0      
The golden shower
A man came home very late, pissed out of his tree, to find his wife waiting for him at the door."WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" she screams, "It´s FOUR IN THE MORNING!"He
says, "Err, I just stopped at this bar, I was only going to have one
drink...but this bar, it was incredible. EVERYTHING in it was
gold-plated. They had a gold rail under the bar, gold ashtrays, they
served the drinks in gold shot-glasses, and the table posts were all
gold-plated, even the mirror behind the bar was gold. The cash register
was gold. I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept ordering
drinks, so I could stay in the bar and look at it. Hell, even when I
went to the Men´s Room to take a leak, they had gold-plated
urinals...it was wonderful.""I don´t believe that story for one minute," his wife said. "What was this place called?""Hell," he replies, "I can´t remember...I got too drunk, and I forgot.""You´ll have to prove it to me tomorrow when you sober up, or I´m going to divorce you!" she said.The
next day, the man looks through the Yellow Pages under "BARS", but none
of the names ring a bell. He decides that he´ll call all the bars
listed, and ask the bartenders about the decor in their establishments.
He´s called about 50 bars so far, and still no luck. Finally, he calls
one bar, asks his question, and the bartender says that, yes, they are
the bar with all the gold-plated stuff. "Here," the man says, handing
the phone to his wife. "Ask this bartender if I´m lying!"The
wife gets on the line, and begins to ask the bartender about all the
things her husband had told her about on the previous night... the
rail, the shot-glasses, the mirrors, the table posts and the cash
register. Finally, she says, "Now, this may seem like a strange
question, but my husband says you even have gold-plated urinals...do
you?"The bartender puts the phone down on the bar, but she hears him yell "HEY LOUIE! I think I know who pissed in your saxophone..."
       Posted by BOBJANE77 Posted on June 29, 2007 View Comments 0      
Jokes in VERY bad taste
In here the text, description, location etc

The case of the
camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for
the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his
faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of

"...and what does that tell you?"
Holmes calmly continued.

Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in LEO. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that
we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a moment,
then spoke. "Watson, you
Someone's stolen our fucking tent."


The one about
the golf lessons

A husband and wife want to take
golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro
and head onto the driving range.

The man goes up to hit first. He
swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, now hold the
club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts." The man follows instructions and
hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. Her
ball goes 30 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, try holding the club like you
hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad, but
now try taking the club out of your mouth"

The nun and the

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and
Sister Helen, are traveling through
Europe in
their car. They get to
Transylvania and are
stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a
diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister
Marilyn, "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on.
That will get rid of the unholy abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on,
knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer.
I filled it up with Holy Water in the
Vatican, this
morning" says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the
windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on
and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

show him your cross?" says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister
Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts,... "Get off
my fucking car

The one(s) about
Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class
one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny,
that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want
to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a
sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit,
then says, "Well, you're an eight, but if you had
bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"


A few months after his parents
were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her
body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he
saw her doing this several times.One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he
peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room,
took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and
moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a


The drunk in
the bathroom

This guy is sitting in a bar,
drunk, and he asks the bartender where the bathroom is.

The bartender said "go down the
hall and make a right", so off goes our hero.

Well, all of a sudden, everybody
at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on. A few seconds
goes by another loud scream is heard from the bathroom. This time the bartender
goes into the bathroom to investigate what the screaming is about.

He opens the door and asks "What's
all the screaming about in here? You're scaring all my customers away."

The drunk says "I'm sitting on the
toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell
out of my balls."

With that, the bartender looks in
and says, "No wonder you asshole, you're sitting on a mop



The elderly Italian man went to
his parish priest, and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son", said the

"Well, Father, at the beginning of
World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son,
and nothing that you need to confess", said the priest.

worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the
attic with her sexual favors", continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult
time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their
hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom
and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the

"Thanks, Father", said the old
man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son", said the

The old man asked "Do I need to
tell her that the war is over?


The Blind

A blind carpenter walks into a
lumber mill and shouts out, "I'm a blind carpenter and I need a job." The
foreman walks over to the blind carpernter and says,
"If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?" The blind carpenter says,
"I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give
you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job." The foreman takes the
carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front
of you and you tell me what it is." The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on
the table and says "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes
a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a
number two pine, two by four, eight foot long." The foreman says, "Duh! That's
right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest."
Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber
on the table and says "Ready!" The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep
sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one,
please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and
says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep
sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red
wood, four by four, six foot long." The foreman is amazed and says "That's
right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one
more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the
office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking
off all of her clothes and laying down on the table.
(She agrees to do this - implausable but go with me
because it helps the joke.) She takes off her clothes walks out of the office
and lays face down on the table. The foreman says "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep
sniff moving his head from side to side.He looks
puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn
it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand
to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says "Ready!". The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head
from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks
surprised, and says, "I got it. That's an old shit house door off a tuna boat."

He got the job.


The Bigger

After his annual physical, the
sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results.

"Well," said the doctor, "I have
good news and bad news for you."

"The way I feel, please give me
the good news first" replied the bachelor.

The good news," announced the
doctor, "is that your penis has grown by at least an
additional four inches since your last exam."

"Great!" the man shouted. "But
what's the bad news?"

"It's malignant..."


The salesman stopped at a
farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told
him there was no vacant room."I could let you sleep with my daughter," the
farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her." The salesman agreed. After
a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into
bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side. The next morning he asked
for his bill."It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed,"
the farmer said."Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said."Yes, I
know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her


There's a young couple in the
cinema ontheir first date in a cinema.The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze
past you?""Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the
boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one
will see you.""OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the
floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he
reaches down and makes a grab. He feels something long and hard and says,
" JEEZUS !!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you a guy
” "No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit


And on that note………………..i`m outa here

       Posted by BOBJANE77 Posted on June 29, 2007 View Comments 0      
The best day ever !
The Best Day Ever

guys are sitting around at a bar and they get to talking about the good times
and eventually get on the subject of the best day they each ever had.

first guy says he was on the golf course and it was just magic... He killed the
course every drive...beautiful and long. The putts were like the ball had eyes,
and he finished nine under par, his greatest day.

second guy said his was at the bowling alley, just last week. Every ball was
picture perfect solid in the pocket, and just blasted the pins. A 300
game...his greatest ever day.

third guy says he once found a woman tied to the railroad tracks. He unties her
and carries her off into the woods. In the woods, he rips off his clothes and
hers and has sex for over an hour, after that he rolled her over and went to it
from the rear for another hour. Satisfied, he lays back in the woods and has a
cigarette, the perfect finish to the perfect day.

first two agree that the third guy's day was the best of the best, but they say
to the third guy,

all that sex out in the woods for all that time, how come no blow job?"

"Ah well" he replied " I never did find the head !"

       Posted by MIKELYNSUSSE Posted on June 11, 2007 View Comments 19      
Keep Moving George!

       Posted by HOTTEXANS Posted on May 31, 2007 View Comments 2      
More Pirates..AAArrrgghhh!!

“And an 8-year-old girl in Ottawa, Illinois, opened up her McDonald’s Happy Meal, found a bag of marijuana, a lighter and pipe in it. Yeah. Turns out it was just the Keith Richards action figure from the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean.’” - Jay Leno

       Posted by HOTTEXANS Posted on May 10, 2007 View Comments 8      
France & Conservatives in the USA

Conservatives have to stop rolling their eyes every time they hear the word, "France." Like just calling something "French" is the ultimate argument winner. As if to say, "What can you say about a country that was too stupid to get on board with our wonderfully-conceived and brilliantly-executed war in Iraq?" - Bill Maher

       Posted by MIKELYNSUSSE Posted on April 30, 2007 View Comments 1      
Essex Earthquake Appeal


A major Earthquake measuring 4.8 on the Richter scale hit in
the early hours of Friday.

Epicentre: Basildon, Essex.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackin
ell". The earthquake decimated the area of 40 square miles causing
approximately £300 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics and
Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out Ford Capri's were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM
(County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact
that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident, racy Tracy Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It
was such a shock, my little  Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my
bedroom crying. My youngest, two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept
through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the
next morning."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Sunny Delight to the area to help the  stricken locals. Rescue
workers are still searching through the rubble and  have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from
Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

This appeal is to raise money for food and  clothing parcels for
those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.  Clothing
is most sought after:
items most needed include:
-- Fila or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.

   Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
   Required foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
    22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
    £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9 £5 will
    pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm  the nerves of those

**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
alcho-pop 'where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the

       Posted by SK2 Posted on April 23, 2007 View Comments 1      

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, “the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The g guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!! !
"You know, “he said, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No,” she replies. . . . . "

> It's coming.

> The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

> She says:







> "You just happened to catch my eye."

       Posted by 242MUCHFUN Posted on April 19, 2007 View Comments 0      
Too damned smart for 1st grade
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny, what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She marched Little Johnny to the principal's office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Little Johnny: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Little Johnny: "36"

And on it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and said, "You know, I think Little Johnny may move up to the third-grade!"

The teacher says to the principal, "First, let me ask him some questions, myself."  The principal and Little Johnny both agree, and the teacher begins in "rapid-fire".

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Little Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Little Johnny: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open  wide, but before he could stop the answer...)

Little Johnny: "Shake hands"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin milky liquid?" (The principal's eyes really open wide, and before he can stop the answer.....)

Little Johnny: "A Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Little Johnny: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "Now I will ask you some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Little Johnny: "Yup"

Teacher: "You blow me, you feel good!"

Little Johnny: "Your Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come in a quiver"

Little Johnny: "An Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that makes for a lot of excitement?"

Little Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a long sigh of relief and exclaimed, "Put that boy in the fifth-grade!  I got most of those questions wrong myself!!!

       Posted by 242MUCHFUN Posted on April 18, 2007 View Comments 0      
Indian Names

The little Indian boy always curious about everything, asked his father how Indian babies came by their colorful and descriptive names.

His father said, "Ugh!  It's simple.  When a new baby is born, the father steps outside of the teepee and names the child after the first thing he sees."

"Like your brother, when he was born, I stepped outside and saw a magnificent eagle flying down the valley.  That's why he is named Soaring Eagle."

"And your little sister, the first thing I saw was the beautiful spring flowers, so I named her Little Blossom"

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking In The Snow?"

       Posted by HOTTEXANS Posted on March 26, 2007 View Comments 15      
Sacrifice for the War

Liberals must stop saying President Bush hasn't asked Americans to sacrifice for the war on terror. On the contrary, he's asked us to sacrifice something enormous. Our civil rights.

       Posted by NIPPY6781 Posted on March 22, 2007 View Comments 4      
Track a mobile phone anywhere in the world
In here the text, description, location etc
       Posted by HOTTEXANS Posted on March 20, 2007 View Comments 1      
Hospital Blood

"Donald Rumsfeld, former Secretary of Defense, was admitted to a Washington hospital yesterday for a heart procedure. They said this is the first time in medical history that the patient had more blood on his hands than the surgeon."

       Posted by NIPPY6781 Posted on March 14, 2007 View Comments 13      
Which Superhero are you?


       Posted by RUMOUR Posted on March 14, 2007 View Comments 0      

Little Lucy gets home from school and finds her mum (mom) in the kitchen. As she unpacked her school bag, she started to chat. "Hey mum, Johnny showed me his willie today" Of course, Mum was a little shocked, but tried to make light of it. "Uh huh Lucy" she said. Lucy continues... "It was like a peanut mum". Still shocked, mum tried to be cool... " Errr...You mean small?" To which Lucy replied."No mum, it tasted salty!!"