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       Posted by ALUMARINE Posted on June 18, 2008 View Comments 0      
Have a laugh

Wife says to Husband "You make love like you decorate".   Hisband replies "What?  Very slow and professional?".  "No" she replies, "I have to finish the job myself". 


______________________________________________________________ 


 


Zookeeper says to Paddy "The Gorilla is in heat and we need someone to have sex with it.  Would you consider shagging it for £500?".   Paddy replies "I'll do it on 3 conditions.  1st, I'm not going to kiss it.  2nd, my family must never know and 3rd, I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!". 


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3 couples go camping, men in one camp, women in another.  1 bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and nudges his mate lying next to him, "I'm going next door to fuck my missus, I've got the biggest hard-on I've ever had".  "I'd better come with you then" his mate replies "cos it's my cock you've got a hold of !"


 

       Posted by ALUMARINE Posted on June 18, 2008 View Comments 0      
Have a laugh

 


Wife says to Husband "You make love like you decorate".   Hisband replies "What?  Very slow and professional?".  "No" she replies, "I have to finish the job myself". 


______________________________________________________________ 


 


Zookeeper says to Paddy "The Gorilla is in heat and we need someone to have sex with it.  Would you consider shagging it for £500?".   Paddy replies "I'll do it on 3 conditions.  1st, I'm not going to kiss it.  2nd, my family must never know and 3rd, I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!". 


_____________________________________________________________


3 couples go camping, men in one camp, women in another.  1 bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and nudges his mate lying next to him, "I'm going next door to fuck my missus, I've got the biggest hard-on I've ever had".  "I'd better come with you then" his mate replies "cos it's my cock you've got a hold of !"


 

       Posted by MIKELYNSUSSE Posted on May 27, 2008 View Comments 0      
Take her hom

       Posted by MIKELYNSUSSE Posted on May 21, 2008 View Comments 2      
British Prime Minister Visits The USA











Gordon Brown flies into Washington today, still an unknown quantity to most people in the U.S. despite his bizarre appearance on American Idol last week.

In advance of the trip, profiles of the Prime Minister have been appearing in the U.S. This column tuned in by satellite to Eye-Witness News, Palm Beach, for a preview of the visit:







"Good morning America, how are you? This is your favourite son, Chad Hanging, reporting. The President of Englandland, Norman Brown, is arriving in our nation's capital this afternoon to meet with President Bush. But just who is this guy? Let's cross to our special correspondent Brit Limey."

Hey, Chad. As you can see, I'm standing in the world-famous Trafalgar Circus, with the House of Fayed directly behind me.

So what can you tell us about Norman Brown?

Well, Chad, he has been President for some nine months now. He used to be Chancellor.

What, you mean he's, like, German?







No, that's what they call their Treasury Secretary over here.

And is he a Conservative, like President Tony Blair?







No, Chad. He's Labour. President Blair wasn't a Conservative, either. He only pretended to be.







So how did Brown get the job?

He just kept shouting at President Blair until he stood down.

But he won an election, right?

No, Chad, there wasn't an election. He did think about calling one, but decided against it because he was frightened he might lose.

How can you change Presidents without having an election? I mean, it's not like President Blair was assassinated.

That's just the way it works in Englandland. The leader of the party with the most seats in the House of Lords gets to be President.

So Norman Brown was elected leader of the Labour Party?

Negative, again, Chad. He did raise money and have a leadership campaign, but no one stood against him.
       
What, nobody? No primaries, no general election, nothing?

Affirmative, Chad.

Let me get this straight. His party hasn't elected him, the country hasn't elected him, yet he still gets to be President. Sounds like a tinpot Commie dictatorship to me.

You could say that, Chad. Norman Brown doesn't really like anyone being given the chance to vote on anything.

Someone must have voted for him, some time.

Oh, yes. He was elected to the House of Lords by his constituents in Scotlandland.

He's Scoddish, then?

That's a big Ten-Four, Chad.

So is he President of Scotlandland, too?

No, that's a guy called Alan Salmon.







Hang on, if Brown's from Scotlandland, how can he be President of Englandland?







That's just the way it goes in this crazy country, Chad. Brown can make laws for Englandland, but not for his own people in Scotlandland. Not that it matters much because Brown has signed away most of Englandland's lawmaking powers to unelected European bureaucrats in Brussels, Belgiumland.

That would be like stripping Congress of the power to make laws in America and handing it over to Mexico.

I guess so.

How in the Hell did the people of Englandland vote for that.







They didn't. Brown wouldn't let them, even though it was a solemn promise in his party's manifesto the last time people were allowed to vote.

Couldn't the Supreme Court have stopped him?

Not really. The Supreme Court of Englandland is now in Strasbourg, where the geese come from.

Isn't there any opposition?

There's a guy called Boris.

Sounds Russian.

I wouldn't be surprised, Chad. There are millions of Eastern Europeans living here now, mainly in Peterburl.  Englandland has seen mass immigration over the past ten years, but no one voted for that, either.

What in the name of Ulysses S. Grant is going on over there, Brit? We're talking about the country which gave us Magna Carta, saw off the Armada, stood alone against Hitler and invented parliamentary democracy. How does Norman Brown get away with it? He must be a popular guy.

Far from it, Chad. According to the latest opinion polls, he's the most unpopular President ever. His approval ratings are even worse than George Dubya Bush. There's talk about him having to stand down soon. He's already promised the job to some guy who works for him - name of Balls.

Say again, Brit, you're breaking up.

Balls.

You're damn right there, buddy.

















 

       Posted by STRETCH1 Posted on May 2, 2008 View Comments 0      
UFO's

A woman set her fanny on fire by accident. Her husband said stand by the balcony and let the wind blow it out.  But she slipped and fell.


Paddy and Murphy were stood  below. Paddy said to Murphy "Is that a comet?".


Murphy said, "Don't be a fucking dick, it's a twattalite!".

       Posted by STRETCH1 Posted on May 2, 2008 View Comments 0      
Dwarf Sex

Everyday a man walks up very close to a lady co-worker standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her "Your hair smells nice".  After a week of this she went to see personnel and put a sexual harrassment complaint in against him.  The personnel manager said "What's wrong with him saying your hair smells nice?".  She said "It's Keith, the fucking dwarf".

       Posted by BROOK Posted on April 24, 2008 View Comments 0      
Hell Explained By a Chemistry Student
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.The answer was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the internet, which is, of course why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?Most of the students wrote proofs of their belief's by using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when compressed or some variant.One student, however, wrote the following.First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.So we need to know the rate a which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today.Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more that one religion, we can project that all souls will go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the  temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as  souls are  added.                    This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls are entering then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.2. If Hell is  expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.                                  So, which is it?If we accept the postulate give to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept on shouting "Oh My God"                     This student received an A+
       Posted by MIKELYNSUSSE Posted on January 25, 2008 View Comments 1      
Irish Death Bed









IRISH LOVE STORY


An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering

the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma

of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.



He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself

from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way

out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the

railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.



With laboured breath, he leaned against the

door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's

agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for

there, spread out upon the kitchen table were

literally hundreds of his favourite scones.



Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his

devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left

this world a happy man?




Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself

towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the

edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife

with a wooden spoon ......

.........


.........

F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."


 


 







 


 


       Posted by PARTYGAL Posted on December 7, 2007 View Comments 1      
ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES

ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES


 


A family is at the dinner table.


The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?


 


The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.


In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.


In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.


After 50, they are like onions".


 


"Onions?"


 


"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."


 


 


This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"


 


The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.


In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.


In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.


After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".


 


"A Christmas tree?"


 


"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

       Posted by WICKEDWOLF Posted on November 30, 2007 View Comments 2      
25 Ways to know you are in the Lifestyle

1.You see a really hot girl walking down the street and you say to yourself "I wonder if she'll do my wife!"

2.Every bottle of liquor in your house has a big sticker with your membership number or couple name on it.

3.You are running out of excuses to tell your baby-sitter why you come
home at 4am on Sat nights/Sunday morning and have a Freshly F*cked
look.


4.Your closet is filled with 5" high heeled shoes... and you have more lingerie than most department stores.

5.You close an email to your sister with Bi Bi

6.You go to Jamaica once a year and "Hedo" means something to you.

7.You are running out of reasons to tell your "normal" friends why you can't go out with them

8.At work, when someone tells of a risqué adventure, most are shocked or stunned and you say "Cool!

9.All of a sudden.. you have friends in Minnesota, Utah, West Virginia, and New Mexico.

10.You are sending out online Christmas cards to people with names like: dareustwo, wifewetandbi, and xoticcouple

11.Your nightstand drawer is full of bar napkins with couples names and phone numbers.

12.Many of your pictures are from different hotel rooms and in quite a few you have a convention wristband on.

13.You only know couples by their first names and e-mail addresses.

14.You spend more time grooming your privates than most porn stars.

15.You make plans to meet a "normal" couple at a nice restaurant, and realize you have absolutely nothing you can wear.



16.You both turn your head to watch the hot woman walking down the street!

17.You never open the garage door until you're in the car with the doors closed.

18.At the gym shower you're the only one with shaved balls

19.Wondering how to explain to the neighbors why 10 couples show up on
a Saturday night carrying over night bags,blankets, pillows and don't
leave until early Sunday afternoon.


20.Your kids and the baby-sitter ask why mommy already has her coat on when she comes out of the bedroom every Saturday night.



21.When going to a strip club with your guy friends, instead of your wife, seems like a ridiculous waste of time and money.



22.You come home with that "there's something about Mary" hairstyle.

23.You have a lot of friends all over the world.

24.Before traveling somewhere on business or to visit relatives you look up couples in the area.

25.Giggling to yourself at the office when your coworkers tell you how wonderful their weekend was...If they only knew!!!!In here the text, description, location etc
       Posted by SK2 Posted on November 23, 2007 View Comments 0      

This Year's First Christmas Joke
>
>
> Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
> pearly
> gates.
> "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess
> something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
>
> The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
> He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
> "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
>
> The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
> He shook them and said, "They're bells."
>
> Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
> The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
> finally
> pulled out a pair of women's panties.
>
> St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
> what
> do those symbolize?? The man replied, "These are Carols."
>
> And So The Christmas Season Begins......
>


 
       Posted by SK2 Posted on November 8, 2007 View Comments 0      
Respect

  A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

       Posted by SK2 Posted on November 8, 2007 View Comments 0      
Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.


He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"


       Posted by EXPO969 Posted on October 19, 2007 View Comments 0      
made me laugh today
In here the text, description, location etc





Accident
 
I rear-ended a car this morning... and right then, I knew it was going to be a really bad day!
 
When the driver got out of his car,  I realized he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, 'I am not happy!'
 
So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?'
       Posted by ADAMEVE1 Posted on August 30, 2007 View Comments 0      
OUCH!!!!!!!!!

Never play leap frog with a Unicorn.Ouch!!!!!!!!!

       Posted by SWEETLASS1 Posted on August 24, 2007 View Comments 0      
Interpreting Art..

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

       Posted by MIKELYNSUSSE Posted on August 17, 2007 View Comments 0      
HEADACHE

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mick
and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about
all sorts of things. Mick asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have
laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the
subject of sex.


"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.


"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.


Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the
night and experience one another.


Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.


He's got only a teeny, weeny Winkie - about half an inch long and just a
quarter inch thick.


"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.


"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"


"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"


"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.


With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's impressively
long.


"Well," she says, "That's very good, but it looks like a long pencil, it's
still pretty narrow...."


"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, the
Martian's member grows wider and wider until it's extremely exciting to the
woman.


"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.


The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate
ways. As they walk along, Mick asks, "Well, was it any good?"


"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was amazingly good. How about
you?"


"It was horrible," Mick replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."







       Posted by MIKELYNSUSSE Posted on August 16, 2007 View Comments 0      
Young Mother


>An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for
>two months.
>Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
>The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
>
>
>Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
>this to you? I want to know!"
>
>The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
>Ferrari Stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
>with grey Hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of
>the Ferrari and enters the house.
>
>He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
>tells
>them:
>
>
>"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
>marry
>
>Her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
>
>
>I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
>life.
>
>
>Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
>
>Townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.
>
>
>If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
>
>£4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and
>£2,000,000 each.
>
>
>However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do.
>What do you suggest?"
>
>
>At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand
>firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
>
>
>
>"You shag her again."
>
>

       Posted by CUNABIT03 Posted on August 2, 2007 View Comments 0      
funny

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is
also called Ibuprofen.

      The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of Government experts, it recently announced that it has
settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin,
Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

      Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as
a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff
one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning
to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff
drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

      MOUNT & DO

      Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

       Posted by SWEETLASS1 Posted on July 12, 2007 View Comments 0      
24 Hours to Live...

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Darling? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Darling, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny but I have to get up in the morning, you don't."