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       Posted by BRADNJESS Posted on July 12, 2009 View Comments 0      
The Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big french kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks
away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want
a divorce!"

I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in
the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.


       Posted by SEXYNFIT69 Posted on June 29, 2009 View Comments 0      
Michael Jackson
After Michael Jacksons death Gary Glitter has offered to cover some of his dates . Henry aged 10, William aged 12 and Peter aged 13 !
       Posted by NIPPY6781 Posted on June 28, 2009 View Comments 51      
The Jackson blog
Its been reported that when authorities looked round Jacksons Neverland ranch, they found Class A drugs in the toilet, Class B drugs in the living room and most of Class 4C in the bedroom

       Posted by MICMICHAEL Posted on June 22, 2009 View Comments 1      
Kid in the Closet
On One Afternoon a wife decides to have her lover over for "fun in the afternoon".  Just as they engage, the husband comes up the driveway and the lover grabs his clothes to dress in the closet and escape later.  As the lover is dressing he hears a small voice in the end of the closet..."it's dark in here".  The lover asks "who are you" and the cpls 8 year old says "I skipped school & hid all day in the closet". The boy says "I have a baseball" and the lover says "oh that's nice".  The kid says "want to buy it or I could tell my father", the lover asks how much and the kid says "$250 bucks".  The lover states "that's robbery" but pays the kid and escapes the premisis. The next week comes and the same scenario ensues.  The kids starts "it's dark in here", the lover says " what's do you have to sell this week".  the kid says "he has a baseball mitt". The lover asks "how much" and the kid says"$750 dollars". At which the lover almost blows everything but gives in and pays the kid.  The next weekend the kid's Dad says "hey son, let's throw the ball around" and the kid says he can't because he sold his ball & mitt.  The dad asks what he got for them and the kid says $1000 dollars. The father says that's great but way to much for those things. He continues and tells his son that he thinks it a sin because he cheated the buyer and he should go to confession.  The kid goes to church and waits in the confessional. As the priest enters his side and sits, he opens the small confessional shelf door and says "what are your sin's to confess". the kid say
s "It's really dark in here" and the priest says "don't start that shit again"! 
       Posted by MICMICHAEL Posted on June 20, 2009 View Comments 0      
Baseball with Bob & Bill
Bill & Bob are Life long Baseball fanatics.  Little league, Pony League,etc growing up and of course then coaching, softball as adults.  Watching the Dodgers (Los Angeles) all their life just filled their life.  On one day, as they reached the ripe age of 85, Bill dies suddenly and Bob is besides himself with grief. Weeks go by and Bob just can't function. However he marshalls enough strength to attend a Dodger game to remember his friend.  The game is fine but no one can relate to his grief or history of baseball knowledge.  As Bob is walking, after the game, to his car, he hears...psst, psst..Bob and shocked asks who it is?  The voice says Bill and Bob says "bullshit" he's dead. Bill insists it's him and says that "God was tired of him moping around and ordered him to come and cheer Bob up".  Bob says, well what did Bill and I love all all our lives?  Of course Bill says "that's easy-Baseball", so now Bob is convinced. He tell's Bill that he should know that the only thing that would cheer him up is if there is baseball in Heaven!  Bill says; "Well buddy I have good news and bad news".  Bill says yes there is baseball in Heaven.  Bob says, "well what could possibly be the bad news then?  Bill says "well buddy, your pitching friday"!
       Posted by MIKELYNSUSSE Posted on March 24, 2009 View Comments 0      
H M Government
Dear People of England,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
Your Government
       Posted by MAHOGANY1 Posted on February 17, 2009 View Comments 12      
101 Signs that you're a swinger
  1. You are wearing wristbands in most of your vacation photos.
  2. Half of the numbers on your cellphone are listed only by screen names.
  3. You are running out of reasons to tell your coworkers why you can't go out with them this weekend.
  4. You have over 100,000 frequent flyer miles on Air Jamaica.
  5. You know most of your friends' names only as couples (Rich and Joy, Frank and Jen) but you don't know their last names.
  6. You go to a convention with three huge suitcases, yet are wearing the same outfit when you return as you did when you left.
  7. You had already seen pictures of your friends naked before you ever met them in person.
  8. You position the computer screen in your home office in such a way that your children can't possibly sneak up on you.
  9. You can't remember the last time you had pubic hair.
  10. Before traveling somewhere on business or to visit relatives you look up couples in the area.
  11. You
    worry about explaining to the neighbors why 10 couples show up on a
    Saturday night carrying over night bags and don't leave until Sunday
    afternoon...
  12. You never open your garage door until you're in the car with the doors closed.
  13. Your gynecologist wonders why you're asking for birth control when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy.
  14. Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it.
  15. Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set.
  16. Your wife has a shirt that says: "I Like Girls Too."
  17. You have a strippers pole in the middle of your den.
  18. You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join your foursome.
  19. The last thing you typically do at a party is search for your wife's thong.
  20. You've hugged your friends goodnight while naked.
  21. You hear the word "Playmate" and your first thought is not "Playboy"
  22. The word "slut" has become a term of endearment.
  23. You carry lube as often as lipstick.
  24. Your choice in new carpeting is heavily based on which type won't give you rug burns.
  25. You've taken your Liberator with you to a dinner party.
  26. The term Vanilla isn't just a flavor to you anymore.
  27. You have a full-length mirror in your bedroom... On your ceiling.
  28. You are constantly encouraging your kids to spend the weekend at friends' houses.
  29. You don't think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and fishnets when there is three feet of snow on the ground.
  30. Your wedding reception has an after party.
  31. You go to Las Vegas, but never gamble or leave the hotel.
  32. You panic when your friend's digital camera goes missing.
  33. You've invited friends over and watched porn.
  34. You've invited friends over and made porn.
  35. You've watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife's bare ass.
  36. Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer.
  37. You wake up in the morning and find that half of the cloths on the floor don't fit you or your wife.
  38. Your kids think it's normal for adults to have sleepovers.
  39. A hot tub is considered a necessity not a luxury.
  40. You believe in Unicorns... Because you've actually ridden one.
  41. You leave the kids at home when you go to the toy store.
  42. You've taken photos of yourself with your head out of frame; And it was on purpose.
  43. You can't decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits you should wear this weekend.
  44. You
    always keep a supply of condoms, lube and clean hand towels by your
    bed... And your guest bed... And your couch in the living room.
  45. The employees fight to take your order at the One Hour Photo.
  46. You frequently use the term "Friends of friends" when explaining how you know certain people.
  47. You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light.
  48. You have an entire closet devoted just to themed outfits.
  49. You place a want ad that reads: "Wanted: Reliable babysitter who is willing to stay till sunrise and doesn't ask any questions."
  50. You ask the sales man at the furniture store which type of upholstery best repels semen stains.
  51. The staff of Hedonism resorts sends you birthday cards.
  52. You come home with that, "There's Something About Sally" hairstyle.
  53. The babysitter wonders why you are always already wearing your full-length coat when she arrives.
  54. In the gym shower you're the only guy with shaved balls.
  55. You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your genitals.
  56. Half of your vacation photos were taken in your hotel room and the other half you can't show to your family.
  57. You have a free place to stay in almost all the fifty states and several cities in Europe.
  58. You've closed your e-mails with "Bi Bi".
  59. You can expertly identify the tactile differences between every type of breast implant ever created.
  60. On Christmas, there are certain presents that can't be opened in front of your family.
  61. You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex.
  62. Your vanilla friends ask why they are never invited to your parties.
  63. The movie "Swingers" was a huge disappointment to you.
  64. It's
    an unwritten law that you can't call any of your friends on Saturday or
    Sunday until at least 3 p.m. so you don't wake them up.
  65. You've become especially good at operating your digital camera with one hand.
  66. At your "normal" parties no one can go into the basement because you're afraid someone will notice the sex-swing.
  67. Your grandson discovers the "swing" and he wants to know why it isn't outside.
  68. You're constantly afraid that visiting relatives will pop-in one of your home videos that you forgot to hide.
  69. You make bets with other swinger friends about how long it will take to corrupt your cute vanilla girlfriend.
  70. You're in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout your screen name.
  71. Before introducing them to your visiting family, you pull your friends aside and say, "OK, here's how we know each other..."
  72. You start having withdrawals after two days without internet access.
  73. When someone asks where you're staying on your trip to Cancun, you pretend that you can't remember the name of the resort.
  74. You ask a girlfriend to teach you: "That thing you do with your tongue that my husband enjoys so much."
  75. In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the restroom.
  76. You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than on your face.
  77. You come back from vacation and you have a tan, but no tan lines.
  78. The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot of extra towels.
  79. All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party.
  80. Making it an early night means getting home before 3 a.m.
  81. You've handed out business cards to people, but the cards have nothing to do with your occupation.
  82. Your sexual fantasies never last very long... Because they keep coming true!
  83. You are hanging around vanilla friends and you absentmindedly squeeze their butts.
  84. You erase your computer's browser history and cache every time you leave your office.
  85. You buy lap dances for your wife... And vice versa.
  86. You own a double-headed dildo.
  87. You're still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on Saturday night.
  88. You're at the market, and the only things in your basket are condoms, breath mints and Red Bull.
  89. On vacation you set aside time to stage a bunch of photos that are acceptable to show to your family.
  90. After 25 years, people still ask if you're newlyweds.
  91. You've had sex with more people since you've been married than you did when you were single.
  92. Going to vanilla bars ranks right up there with a root canal.
  93. The only time you go out with your vanilla friends is when you're on your period.
  94. Your husband has lipstick on his collar and he smells like another woman's perfume and it brings a smile to your face.
  95. On Monday morning you are glad to go back to work so you can get some rest.
  96. You
    spend the whole week before your parents arrive calling all you friends
    telling them not to call your answering machine while your parents are
    in town.
  97. You get really tired of not making it to McDonalds before they quit serving breakfast Sunday morning (on your way home).
  98. You have an entire external hard-drive devoted to nothing but your party photos.
  99. You spouse is having an orgasm, while you are busy in the other room discussing the stock market.
  100. You spent twice as long on your online profile than you did on your resume.
  101. If you are reading this and laughing because many of these describe you...That's a pretty good sign that you are a swinger!
       Posted by BROOK Posted on January 25, 2009 View Comments 0      

If blonds have more fun, do they know it?

       Posted by BLONDONBLOND Posted on January 19, 2009 View Comments 0      
Dieet

Aanvulling op Sonja Bakker Dieet


VERMAGEREN DOOR SEKS
Het is al een hele tijd bekend dat seks een goede vorm van lichaamsbeweging
is, maar tot voor kort was er nooit onderzoek gevoerd naar het verbranden
van calorieën door verschillende seksuele activiteiten. Na een diepgravende studie
kunnen we u nu met trots volgende resultaten voorleggen:

UITTREKKEN VAN HAAR KLEREN
Met haar toestemming ............. 12 calorieën
Zonder haar toestemming ......... 187 calorieën

HET LOSMAKEN VAN HAAR BEHA
Met beide handen ................ 8 calorieën
Met een hand ...................... 12 calorieën
Met je tanden .................... 85 calorieën

HET AANTREKKEN VAN EEN CONDOOM
Bij een erectie ............ 6 calorieën
Zonder een erectie ...... ... 315 calorieën

VOORSPEL
Proberen de clitoris te vinden .... .... 8 calorieën
Proberen de G-plek te vinden ........ 92 calorieën

STANDJES
Missionaris ............... 12 calorieën
69 al liggend ............. 78 calorieën
69 al staand ............. 112 calorieën
Kruiwagen ................. 216 calorieën
Op z'n hondjes .... .......... 326 calorieën
Italiaanse kroonluchter ........ 912 calorieën

ORGASME
Echt ................... 112 calorieën
Fake . ................ 315 calorieën

POST-ORGASME
In bed liggen knuffelen .................. 18 calorieën
Onmiddellijk opstaan ......... ....... 36 calorieën
Uitleggen waarom je onmiddellijk opstaat .... ....... 816 calorieën

EEN TWEEDE ERECTIE KRIJGEN, ALS JE
20-29 jaar bent ..................... 36 calorieën
30-39 jaar bent ... ............. 80 calorieën
40-49 jaar bent .................... 124 calorieën
50-59 jaar bent .................... 972 calorieën
60-69 jaar bent .................... 2916 calorieën
70 jaar of ouder bent . ........... resultaten nog niet binnen

ACHTERAF AANKLEDEN
Kalm .. .................... 32 calorieën
Gehaast .................. 98 calorieën
Terwijl haar vader op de deur staat te bonken ............ 1218 calorieën
Terwijl je vrouw op de deur staat te bonken ........3521 calorieën


Veel plezier met afvallen!

       Posted by MIKELYNSUSSE Posted on January 16, 2009 View Comments 0      



Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no. I mean male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast..





 
       Posted by BLONDONBLOND Posted on December 22, 2008 View Comments 0      
"Service"

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to'service' a few cows.



BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightend as I am.

       Posted by MIKELYNSUSSE Posted on December 5, 2008 View Comments 4      
Never Again

Just got back........................Fuck me that hotel muder mystery weekend in Mumbai was a bit over the top!

       Posted by PANDD Posted on November 27, 2008 View Comments 1      
This is one of the funniest things I have read.... and Ladies sooooo true!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises ofeasy, painless removal- The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair andnow....THE WAX.My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fixdinner,play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ringpainfully in my mind for the next few hours. "Maybe I should pullthe waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise:the bathroom.It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hotwax,you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm andyou peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and youpull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean,I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.(YA Think!?!)So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing eachother stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicksin so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Coldwax," yeah.... right!)I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight andpull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn'ttoo bad.I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah,fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skinextraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, Isneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fightingchampionship.I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the sameprocedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of mybikini line, covering the right half of my "hoo-hoo" and stretching down to theinside of my butt cheek (Yes, It! was a long strip) I inhale deeplyand brace myself........RRRRIIIPPP!!!!!!!I'm Blind!!!!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!! OH MY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!VISION returning.noticed that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!Another deep breath and RRRRIIIPPPP!!!! Everything is swirly andspotted.I think I may pass out.... must stay conscious... Do I hearcrashing drum???Breathe, breathe....OK, back to normal.I want to see my trophy- a wax covered strip, the one that hascaused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel inthe glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!!There's no hair on it. Where is the hair???? WHERE IS THE WAX?????Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. Isee the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.CRAP!!!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of mybody,which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make thenext BIG mistake...... remember my foot is still propped up on thetoilet?I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.DANG!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.Hoo-hoo? SEALED SHUT!!!!Butt? SEALED SHUT!!!I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to doand think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!!!" What can I do to melt the wax?Hot water!!!!Hot water melts wax!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipeit off,right?????WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I get into the tub-the water is slightly hotter than that used totorture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment- I sit.Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions gluedtogether is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom ofthe tub.....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!!!!God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have aphone put in the bathroom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversationstarter- "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of thetub!"There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks forremoval but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants toknow exactly where the wax is located. "Are we talking cheeks orwho-ha?"She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her therundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.YEAH!!!!! RIGHT!!!!!I should be the joke of someone else's night.While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping thewax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girliegoodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot waterand then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!!!By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hikeand I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-traumatic Stress counselingfor this event.My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my savinggrace....the lotion they give you tor remove the excess wax. What do Ireally have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OHMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of myfriend. It's soooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!!!it works!!!I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up. Isuccessfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to mygrief and despair......THE HAIR IS STILL THERE..... ALL OFIT!!!!!!!!!!!!So I recklessly shave it off. Heck. I'm numb by now. Nothinghurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.Next week I'm going to try hair color..... Now that'sfunny.................NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
       Posted by BLONDONBLOND Posted on November 6, 2008 View Comments 1      
Things to know...
Things to Know:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains..
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

       Posted by BLONDONBLOND Posted on November 2, 2008 View Comments 2      
intercourse etiquette and decency

Intercourse Etiquette and Decency


1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE!).


2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off!


3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's pain damn it!


4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and sooth them.


5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy is not.


6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.


7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!


8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.


9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.


10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, .... And remember .. It is not the on button for you to hit repeatedly! So, gently rotate your fingers along side of it.


11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.


12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.


13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.


14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen bank notes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.


15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.


16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. There is no turn off like the one where you are passionately kissing and in 2 seconds you have whipped it out or worse yet, have completely stripped.


17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.


18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Slow is the key! In the beginning build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular movements.


19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.


20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.


21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.


22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask


23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
In the beginning this is cool. Very seductive, but don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.


24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours first; try talking seductively to her, and if all else fails reciprocation is the key!


25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what's necessary.


26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.


27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over them. In real life, it is disgusting and a sure-fire way to put an end to your oral fantasies!


28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently around the torso area, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.


29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first or test the waters with your finger. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.


30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.


31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from pouring honey on her and licking it off to Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.


32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic sound. It's as sexy as a belching contest.


33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.


34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because THEY HAVE A PROSTATE! Women don't.


35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.... and it looks pretty silly when its summer.


36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.


37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.


38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.


39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.


40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen

       Posted by WICKEDWOLF Posted on October 21, 2008 View Comments 0      
in honour of the stupid people
In  case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through  stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. 


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert  (printed on bottom) --
'Do not turn upside down.' 
(well....duh,  a bit late, huh!)


========================== 


On Sainsbury's peanuts -- 
'Warning: contains  nuts.'
(talk about a news  flash)

=========================== 




On Boot's Children Cough  Medicine --
'Do not  drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication.' 
(We could do  a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just  get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) 

========================== 



On Marks &Spencer Bread  Pudding --
'Product  will be hot after heating.'
(...and you thought?Huh?...) 


=======================



On a Sears hairdryer -- 
Do not use while  sleeping. 
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

==================================== 



On a bag of Fritos -- 
You could be a  winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?) 


=========================== 


On a bar of Dial soap -- 
'Directions: Use  like regular soap.'
(and that would be???....) 


============================ 





On some Swanson  frozen dinners --
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.' 
(but, it's  just a suggestion.)



========================



On  packaging for a Rowenta iron --
'Do not iron clothes on body.' 
(but wouldn't  this save me time?) 



==============================



On  Nytol Sleep Aid --
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.' 
(..I'm taking  this because???.....)


==============================




On most brands of Christmas  lights --
'For  indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?) 


========================== 



On a Japanese food processor  --
'Not to be used  for the other use.'
(now, somebody out there,  help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


============================== 



On an American Airlines  packet of nuts --
'Instructions: Open packet, eat  nuts.'
(Step  3: say what?)


=========================== 




On a child's Superman  costume --
'Wearing  of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
(I don't blame the company. I  blame the parents for this one.)


======================== 



On a Swedish chainsaw -- 
'Do not attempt to  stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my God..was there a lot  of this happening somewhere?)
       Posted by STRETCH1 Posted on September 1, 2008 View Comments 0      
Blonde Mortician.........
A man who just died is  delivered to a local mortuary
              wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black  suit.
              The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how
              She would  like the body dressed. She points out that the
              man does look good in the  black suit he is already wearing.

              The widow, however, says that she  always thought her
              husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him  in
              a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check
              and says, 'I  don't care what it costs, but please have my
              husband in a blue suit for the  viewing.'

              The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her
              delight,  she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue
              suit with a subtle chalk  stripe; the suit fits him
              perfectly.

              She says to the mortician,  'Whatever this cost, I'm very
              satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m  very grateful.
              How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the
              blonde  mortician presents her with the blank check.

              'There's no charge,' she  says.
             'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of  that
              exquisite blue suit!' she says.

              'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde  says, 'it cost nothing. You
              see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's  size was
              brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was
              wearing  an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she
              minded him going to his  grave wearing a black suit instead,
              and she said it made no difference as  long as he looked
              nice.'

              'So I just switched the heads.'

       Posted by STRETCH1 Posted on September 1, 2008 View Comments 0      
THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.



His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'


'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'


So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
 
'A female horth.'


So he shows him a prized filly.
 
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
 
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
 
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?


So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
 
'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?
 
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
 
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?
 
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. 
 
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

 

'Perhapth I should rephrase that..  Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?
       Posted by NAVYCV591 Posted on August 22, 2008 View Comments 0      
bad news

bad new from hong kong after a big blow the hong kong zoo lost there ding-a-ling with the death of there panda's ding and ling

       Posted by ALUMARINE Posted on June 18, 2008 View Comments 0      
Have a laugh

 


Wife says to Husband "You make love like you decorate".   Hisband replies "What?  Very slow and professional?".  "No" she replies, "I have to finish the job myself". 


______________________________________________________________ 


 


Zookeeper says to Paddy "The Gorilla is in heat and we need someone to have sex with it.  Would you consider shagging it for £500?".   Paddy replies "I'll do it on 3 conditions.  1st, I'm not going to kiss it.  2nd, my family must never know and 3rd, I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!". 


_____________________________________________________________


3 couples go camping, men in one camp, women in another.  1 bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and nudges his mate lying next to him, "I'm going next door to fuck my missus, I've got the biggest hard-on I've ever had".  "I'd better come with you then" his mate replies "cos it's my cock you've got a hold of !"