Two guys draw up to traffic lights, one in a Mini and the other in a Rolls Royce. The guy in the Mini winds down his electric windows, not to be outdone the Rolls driver winds his down in reply. The Mini driver then presses a button to unwind his sun-roof, again the Rolls driver does the same. Next, the Mini driver presses a button which causes a double bed to appear in the back of his car! The Rolls driver is gob-smacked and watches in disbelief as the Mini drives off from the green light. Immediately, the Rolls driver goes round to his local garage and asks for the insto-bed to be fitted to his car. The mechanic tells him it will be very expensive. The Rolls driver insists it is fitted and does not care about the cost. A few weeks later he collects his car with the insto-bed fitted. He spends hours driving around looking for the Mini. Eventually, he finds it parked in a lay-by. It's windows are all steamed up and the car is rocking. The Rolls pulls up slowly, and he knocks on the window. After a short pause the Mini drivers' head pops out. "What?", says the Mini driver. "Watch this!", says the Rolls driver. He then depresses the button and smirks proudly as a double bed appears... To which the Mini driver retorts, "You got me out of the shower to show me that!?".

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

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A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck." "Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call." "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! She sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9."

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I bet there's not a lady in the house who doesnt get a good laugh out of this..... http://www.metacafe.com/watch/72008/babies_babies/

With the recent sucess of BrokeBack Mountain Hollyweird is rushing to the big screen with a lot more gay movies. Movie titles currently in progress are: PRANCES WITH WOLVESJEREMIAH'S JOHNSONBUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KIDTHE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCEHOW THE WEST WAS HUNGTHE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGERDOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KIDLONESOME DOUGDESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAINMCCABE AND MR. MILLERHI, PLAINS DRIFTER!THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHESQUICKLY DOWN UNDERBAREBACK MOUNTINGBONE-NANZADON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASSHOME ON THE RANGEROKLAHOMOROOSTER COCKBURNLITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIEBALONEY PONY RODEOTUBESTEAK COWBOYSSILVER-ROD-Ohhh!!!

Penis Length Survey Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so I have devised the following foolproof test. 1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key). 2. Grasp your *thing* in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is "1234567890-+" the backspace key removes the `.) 3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your _thing_ on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test. 4. Please post your results to net.general and I'll summarize to everyone on the net by personal mail. Cautions 1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results. 2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or place two keyboards end to end. 3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first. 4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT. Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders: Test Results         Diagnosis 1                    You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome 12367            You have a strange gap in your penis 12efgbn        Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean. 12wgui,l=]\   Seek immediate medical care.

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by alocal liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Majorfor conversation."Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Issomething bothering you?""Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.""The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It lookslike you have seen a lot of action.""Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know  you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrongway, but when is the last time you had sex?""1955, ma'am.""Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit takingeverything so seriously!  I mean, no sex since 1955!  She took his hand andled him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

"If President Bush is wiretapping my phone and listening to my calls, I think he actually should pay for half of the phone-sex bill." --David Letterman

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"I have to say I was a little disappointed in Bush's speech. Not once did he apologize to Oprah for lying about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." --Jay Leno

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who>had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a>long, long time, so she went to check it out.>>>She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was. She watched him pray, and>after about 45 minutes when he turned to leave, she approached him for an>interview.>>>"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the wall>and praying?">>>"For about 60 years.">>>"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?">>>"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for>all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety>and friendship.">>>"And how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?">>>"Like I'm talking to a fucking brick wall of course, what do you reckon?"

Heed this warning: Do NOT lose your grandchildren in the Mall! A small girl was lost at a large shopping mall. She approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little girl replied, "Crown Royal whisky and women with big tits."

Subject: Fwd: Guts & Balls>>>>>> We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

You might be a swinger, if... your coworkers are convinced you have no social life because you always change the subject when they ask about your weekend. when your coworkers talk about their sex lives, it takes a real effort not to yawn. your guy friends invite you to a strip club and you ask if it would be ok to bring your wife you've got a bunch of pictures of the two of you in a hotel room wearing brightly colored wristbands. your kids see your online Christmas card list and want to know who are "two4fun", "allwaysready", "carresusboth". your girlfriend wonders why you have both birth control pills and condoms in your purse. your Saturday night babysitter wonders why mommy already had her coat on when she comes out of the bedroom. your boss wonders why you're going to Orlando or Las Vegas "in the middle of summer for God's sake!" you both wonder if the sexy lady who just walked past you would like to mess around. you make plans to meet a "straight" couple at a nice restaurant, and realize you have absolutely nothing you can wear. the drugstore clerk wonders what you're going to do with four bottles of Scope, three-dozen condoms, and five bottles of Astroglide. And the best way to tell that you might be a swinger is...  your neighbors wonder why they aren't invited to any of your parties.  

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Hopefully this will help with those back to work Blues,                     

A Texas cowboy was tending to his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.  The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy..."If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"   The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"   The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.  The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.   Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.  He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.  Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, ''You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."   "That's right.  Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.  He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.   Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"   The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"   "You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party," says the cowboy.  "Wow!  That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"   "No guessing required," answered the cowboy, "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...  Now give me back my dog."