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       Posted by BOBJANE77 Posted on September 27, 2009 View Comments 6      
Only a man would do this ...... LMAO !

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary wrote this......( no it wasn`t me.But names have been changed to protect the guilty.)


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION... WHAT THE...**** !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Important Notes: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my
hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and
now regularly threatens me with it!

BE WARNED !!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

       Posted by FINEFUN4US Posted on September 16, 2009 View Comments 0      
Know this woman???
I'm not sure who this woman is,


Image.jpg


But she claims she knows you.
       Posted by CUPID Posted on September 16, 2009 View Comments 0      
grandma
A man moved into a nudist colony. He received a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.  Too embarrassed to let her know that he lived in a nudist colony, he cut a photo in half but, accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.  He was really worried when he realized that he sent the wrong half, but then remembered how bad his grandmother's eyesight was, and hoped she wouldn't notice.  A few weeks later he received a letter from his  grandmother. It said, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style.... it makes your nose look too short. 

Love, Grandma