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       Posted by SWEETLASS1 Posted on September 27, 2006 View Comments 7      
Parenting

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
         


    1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
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Preparing for the Birth:


1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't' t do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
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The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
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Worries:


1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing
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Dummies:


1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and
wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
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Nappies:


1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
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Activities:


1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
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Going Out:


1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
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At Home:


1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
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Swallowing Coins (a favorite):


1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to t
       Posted by ADAMEVE1 Posted on September 22, 2006 View Comments 1      
Having a drink.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sexy blonde sitting at the bar,he walks over and offers to buy her a drink.No thanks she replys alcohol does not agree with my legs.Why says the man does it make them swell,no says the blonde it makes them open.

       Posted by KIM Posted on September 3, 2006 View Comments 0      
Mood Swings

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that
when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big f#cking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond......


 

       Posted by WHIZZKID Posted on September 2, 2006 View Comments 2      
25 Things We have learnt from porn!

25 things we've learn't from porn




Women wear heels to bed

Men are never impotent

When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than enough

Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm

Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men

Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob

Women always orgasm when men do

A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket

All women are noisy fucks

People in the 70s couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background

A common and enjoyable sex practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt

Men always groan "OH YEAH" when they cum
If there is two of them they "high 5" each other and the girl isn't disgusted

Double penetration makes women smile

Asian men don't exist

There's a plot

When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt

Nurses suck patient's cocks

Men always pull out

Women never have headaches or periods

When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it"

Assholes are clean

A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned

Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there

Men don't have to beg

When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip
       Posted by 14U Posted on September 1, 2006 View Comments 1      
Thumbs Up !

A guy goes to Vegas and gambles away his money.


He hops into a taxi to catch his flight home.


The driver says that will be $ 15 .


I don't have the $15 but I will give you my DL, a check, or a IOU, I promise I will pay you back. The driver says get out of my taxi. The guy hitches a ride from a passerby and catches his plane.


A year later he is in Vegas and staying at the same hotel as before. He goes to catch a taxi and sees the merciless driver at the end of the line. So he comes up with a plan.


He gets in the 1st taxi and says how much to the airport? The driver says $15. And how much for a BJ? The driver says get out of my car! He repeats this process with each driver til he reaches the merciless one. At that point he gets in and says take me to the airport. As he is being driven past all the other taxi drivers he gives them a big smile and thumbs up.