Home Archives Create Topic About
       Posted by PANDD Posted on November 27, 2008 View Comments 1      
This is one of the funniest things I have read.... and Ladies sooooo true!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises ofeasy, painless removal- The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair andnow....THE WAX.My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fixdinner,play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ringpainfully in my mind for the next few hours. "Maybe I should pullthe waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise:the bathroom.It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hotwax,you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm andyou peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and youpull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean,I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.(YA Think!?!)So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing eachother stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicksin so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Coldwax," yeah.... right!)I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight andpull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn'ttoo bad.I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah,fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skinextraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, Isneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fightingchampionship.I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the sameprocedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of mybikini line, covering the right half of my "hoo-hoo" and stretching down to theinside of my butt cheek (Yes, It! was a long strip) I inhale deeplyand brace myself........RRRRIIIPPP!!!!!!!I'm Blind!!!!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!! OH MY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!VISION returning.noticed that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!Another deep breath and RRRRIIIPPPP!!!! Everything is swirly andspotted.I think I may pass out.... must stay conscious... Do I hearcrashing drum???Breathe, breathe....OK, back to normal.I want to see my trophy- a wax covered strip, the one that hascaused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel inthe glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!!There's no hair on it. Where is the hair???? WHERE IS THE WAX?????Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. Isee the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.CRAP!!!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of mybody,which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make thenext BIG mistake...... remember my foot is still propped up on thetoilet?I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.DANG!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.Hoo-hoo? SEALED SHUT!!!!Butt? SEALED SHUT!!!I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to doand think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!!!" What can I do to melt the wax?Hot water!!!!Hot water melts wax!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipeit off,right?????WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I get into the tub-the water is slightly hotter than that used totorture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment- I sit.Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions gluedtogether is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom ofthe tub.....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!!!!God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have aphone put in the bathroom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversationstarter- "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of thetub!"There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks forremoval but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants toknow exactly where the wax is located. "Are we talking cheeks orwho-ha?"She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her therundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.YEAH!!!!! RIGHT!!!!!I should be the joke of someone else's night.While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping thewax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girliegoodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot waterand then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!!!By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hikeand I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-traumatic Stress counselingfor this event.My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my savinggrace....the lotion they give you tor remove the excess wax. What do Ireally have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OHMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of myfriend. It's soooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!!!it works!!!I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up. Isuccessfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to mygrief and despair......THE HAIR IS STILL THERE..... ALL OFIT!!!!!!!!!!!!So I recklessly shave it off. Heck. I'm numb by now. Nothinghurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.Next week I'm going to try hair color..... Now that'sfunny.................NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
       Posted by BLONDONBLOND Posted on November 6, 2008 View Comments 1      
Things to know...
Things to Know:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains..
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

       Posted by BLONDONBLOND Posted on November 2, 2008 View Comments 2      
intercourse etiquette and decency

Intercourse Etiquette and Decency


1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE!).


2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off!


3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's pain damn it!


4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and sooth them.


5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy is not.


6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.


7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!


8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.


9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.


10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, .... And remember .. It is not the on button for you to hit repeatedly! So, gently rotate your fingers along side of it.


11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.


12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.


13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.


14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen bank notes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.


15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.


16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. There is no turn off like the one where you are passionately kissing and in 2 seconds you have whipped it out or worse yet, have completely stripped.


17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.


18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Slow is the key! In the beginning build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular movements.


19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.


20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.


21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.


22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask


23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
In the beginning this is cool. Very seductive, but don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.


24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours first; try talking seductively to her, and if all else fails reciprocation is the key!


25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what's necessary.


26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.


27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over them. In real life, it is disgusting and a sure-fire way to put an end to your oral fantasies!


28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently around the torso area, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.


29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first or test the waters with your finger. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.


30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.


31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from pouring honey on her and licking it off to Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.


32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic sound. It's as sexy as a belching contest.


33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.


34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because THEY HAVE A PROSTATE! Women don't.


35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.... and it looks pretty silly when its summer.


36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.


37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.


38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.


39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.


40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen