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       Posted by STRETCH1 Posted on November 24, 2006 View Comments 0      
Frank
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.  He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.  You're just like Frank."



Passenger: "Who?"



Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."



Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."



Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman.  He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"



Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"



Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer.  He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.  Not like me. When I change a fuse, the whole street blacks out.  But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."



Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."



Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.  But Frank, he never made a mistake"



Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."



Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.  No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."



Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"



Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."



Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"



Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow."



 
       Posted by BS1 Posted on November 18, 2006 View Comments 3      
Ireland declare war on France

Jacques Chirac, the French president, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.


 


"Hallo, Mr Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


 


"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


 


"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is me-self,me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"


 


Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring ya back.


 


Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"


 


"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. 

       Posted by BS1 Posted on November 18, 2006 View Comments 3      
George Bush Meets the Queen of England

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"


 


"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"


 


The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"


 


The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"  Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your Majesty, that would be me." Yes, Very good," says the Queen.


 


Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice President, the same question. "Dick, answer this for me Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."


 


Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?


 


Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"


 


Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."


 


Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney an

       Posted by BLONDONBLOND Posted on November 17, 2006 View Comments 0      
men are ike.............
Men are like....

1. Men are like ....Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like....Bananas...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ......Weather.. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like .......Blenders.. You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like .....Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like .....Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .....Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like ....Popcorn..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
       Posted by NIPPY6781 Posted on November 16, 2006 View Comments 13      
Goodbye All!

This will be my last post for some time.

This will come as a shock to some of you, but I have made the monumental decision to take
off for a complete year from tomorrow. There are a number of reasons,but the major
contributor to my decision has been my involvement with a guerrilla group in Africa, which
is fighting for freedom and justice against unbelievable odds. I have been in contact with this
group for a number of years by email, and now will finally join them.

I know most of you will think I am totally crazy - - but I have not made this decision lightly.
Nothing you can say or do will stop me from doing what I truly believe in. I realize
the timing is terrible and my family will suffer but I hope to see you again in happier days
when I return from my mission!

N.B. Photo of rebel group attached inside.....

       Posted by NIPPY6781 Posted on November 14, 2006 View Comments 11      
Who do you look like?
http://www.myheritage.com/
       Posted by INALTI Posted on November 9, 2006 View Comments 0      
Adán y Eva

Adán y Eva


Un alemán, un francés, un inglés, y un cubano comentan sobre un cuadro de Adán y Eva en el Paraíso.

 

El alemán dice:
- Miren qué perfección de cuerpos: ella esbelta y Espigada, él con ese cuerpo atlético, los músculos  perfilados...deben de ser alemanes.

Inmediatamente, el francés reaccionó:

- No lo creo. El claro el erotismo que se desprende de ambas figuras...ella tan femenina...él tan masculino. Saben que pronto llegará la tentación... Deben ser franceses.

Moviendo negativamente la cabeza el inglés comenta:

- Para nada.  Noten  la serenidad de sus rostros, la delicadeza de la pose, la sobriedad del gesto. Sólo pueden ser ingleses

Después de unos segundos más de contemplación, el cubano  exclama:
- No estoy de acuerdo. Miren bien: no tienen ropa, no tienen  zapatos, no tienen casa, no tienen dinero. Sólo tienen una pobre manzana para comer y Para colmo, esta prohibida. No protestan y todavia piensan que están en el Paraiso.... Esos son .... " cubanos ".

 
       Posted by BS1 Posted on November 7, 2006 View Comments 4      
No Political Bollocks in this Posting, just a lighthearted look at some of the things we all do

Why, Why, Why



1.  Why do we press harder on the buttons of a  remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

2.  Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know full well there is no money in the account to pay the fee?



3.  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?



4.  Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?



5.  Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?



6.  Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?



7.  Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

8.  Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?



9.  Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?



10.  If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?



11.  Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

12.  Is there ever a day that 3 piece suite are not in a half price sale?



13.  Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?



14.  Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their  vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?



15.  Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

16.  How do dead insects get into those enclosed light fittings?

17.  When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a  shopping trolley then apologises for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

18.  Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

19.  In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

20.  How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

21.  The statistics on Sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.