Dear Tech Support,>> Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.> I soon noticed> that the new program began unexpected child processing> that took up a> lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of> this was included> with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0> installed itself> into all other programs and now launches during system> initialization,> where it monitors all other system activity.> Applications such as Poker> Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, Football 5.0,> Hockey 3.0, Hunting> and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run,> crashing the system> whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in> the background while> attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm> thinking about going> back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the Uninstall doesn't work> on Wife 1.0.>> Please help! Thanks.> A Troubled User>> REPLY FROM TECH SUPPORT:>> Dear Troubled User,>> This is a very common problem that men complain about.> It is due to a> primary misconception among men. Many people upgrade> from Girlfriend 7.0> to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a Utilities and> Entertainment> program.>> Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its> creator to run> everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0> and return to> Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating system files cause> Girlfriend 7.0 to> emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is> impossible to uninstall,> delete, or purge the program files from the system> once installed. You> cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is> designed to not> allow this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0> or Wife 2.0 but> end up with more problems than in the original system.>> Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings:> Maintenance/Child> Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work> on improving the> situation. I suggest installing the background> application program> Yes_Dear to alleviate software augmentation.>> Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that> you read the> entire section regarding "General Partnership faults"> (GPFs). "You must> assume all responsibility for any faults and problems> that occur,> regardless of their cause. You will also find that> GPFs tend to be> somewhat cyclical, occurring approximately 28 days> apart. The best> course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.> Avoid excessive> use of C:\YES_DEAR because ultimately you will have to> use the APOLOGIZE> command before the system will return to normal> anyway. Remember, the> system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame> for all GPFs.>> wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to require very> high maintenance.> Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as> Clean_and_Sweep> 3.0, Cook_It 1.5 (which replaces Burn_It 1.0) and> Do_Bills 4.2. You must> however be very careful how you use these programs.> Improper use will> cause the system to launch the program Nag_Nag 9.5.> Once this happens,> the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is> to purchase> additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and> Diamonds 5.0 should> this happen.>> WARNING!! *DO NOT* under any circumstances, install> Secretary_With_Short_Skirt. This application is not> supported by Wife> 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the> operating system.>> Regards> Tech Support
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on theother side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"To which she replied, "I'm late for work."Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.The cop stammered, "A what?A rectum stretcher?And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up totwo fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work fromside to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6-feet wide.""And just what the hell do you do with a 6-foot asshole?" he asked."You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..! ." Traffic Ticket $95.00Court Costs. $45.00Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS
I don't know if you know this, but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel) called a DELLSHALOM. It is selling at such a good price I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:
The cursor moves from right to left. It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).
Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt."
The Chanukah screen saver includes "Flying Dreidels."
The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."
The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
Microsoft Office now includes, "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."
When running "Scan Disk" it prompts with a "You want I should fix this" message?
When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.
After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."
Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.
"Year 5761-5762" issues have replaced the Y2K problem.
If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself."
When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?"
When I look at erotic images, my computer says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die."
And best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get Spam.
An elderly couple go to a physician complaining of non-specific sexual dysfunction, and ask the doctor if he will watch them having sex to determine if anything is wrong. After their romantic session, the MD assures them that everything seems fine and sends them on their way. One week later, they are back with the same complaint, and perform under his judgemental eye once more. Again, everything seems perfectly normal and he tells them so.
Again, in one week's time, they appear and have sex while he watches. The MD, confused, tells them "Look, this is the third time you've been in here, and NOTHING is wrong with the way you make love! What's really going on here?"
"Well," the elderly gentleman replies, "you see, we're both married, but not to each other. So I can't go to her place, and she can't go to my place. Now Howard Johnson's charges $45 for a room, but you charge $35 for an office visit, plus we can write off 30% of this to Medicare."
A late saturday night, I decide that it would not be such a bad idea to meet up with my ex-girlfriend. My husband debates it, but eventually we end up meeting her and her friends at OPA. After many drinks and dances on the table, my ex asks me to walk her back to the car, "i forgot something". As we step outside she asks me to drive her to the nearest store for some wraps. I hop into my hubby's car and drive her to the 7-11. We end up kissing a little and one thing leads to another and we end up in the freezer. The manager of course, walks in and kicks us out. We drive back to OPA, wet and ready for action...but my hubby refuses..."too close for comfort". At this point I'm a bit tipsy and would not take no for an answer...."come with us to the doll house"
My ex hops on her convertible and I hop on top of her. My hubby struggles to pull me out and eventually does. We rush off to the nearest strip joint where we both get our needs met....without the ex....what was I thinking????
Some of you may have seen it before, but it's hilarious, and no apologies for length as it is worth reading every line.
To the citizens of the United States of America:-
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrect your pronunciation has been. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix burgh is pronounced burra, as in Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope withbad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire etc..
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficultgame. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nonces). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2007.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit".
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we dont believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.
Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.Seconds after he stepped in to the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."And they say blondes are dumb...>>> A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you thehappiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you...">>>"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?""Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.>>>He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's agood idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa andfart.>>> Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?A: A rumor>>>A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40thwedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!>>>A PRAYER....Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;Love to forgive him;And Patience for his moods.Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,I'll beat him to death. AMEN>>>Q: Why do little boys whine?A: They are practicing to be men.>>>Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?A: Trustworthy. >>>Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.>>>Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A: To stop the snoring before it starts.>>>Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.>>> Q: What is the difference between men and women?A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one needQ: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"