In here the text, description, location etcThe case of the
camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for
the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his
faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of
stars."
"...and what does that tell you?"
Holmes calmly continued.
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in LEO. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that
we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a moment,
then spoke. "Watson, you
idiot. Someone's stolen our fucking tent."
The one about
the golf lessons
A husband and wife want to take
golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro
and head onto the driving range.
The man goes up to hit first. He
swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, now hold the
club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts." The man follows instructions and
hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. Her
ball goes 30 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, try holding the club like you
hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, but
now try taking the club out of your mouth"
The nun and the
vampire
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and
Sister Helen, are traveling through
Europe in
their car. They get to Transylvania and are
stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a
diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the
windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister
Marilyn, "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on.
That will get rid of the unholy abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on,
knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer.
I filled it up with Holy Water in the
Vatican, this
morning" says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the
windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on
and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Er...
show him your cross?" says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister
Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts,... "Get off
my fucking carThe one(s) about
Little Johnny
Little Johnny was sitting in class
one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny,
that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want
to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a
sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit,
then says, "Well, you're an eight, but if you had
bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few months after his parents
were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her
body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he
saw her doing this several times.One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he
peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room,
took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and
moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a
bike!"
The drunk in
the bathroom
This guy is sitting in a bar,
drunk, and he asks the bartender where the bathroom is.
The bartender said "go down the
hall and make a right", so off goes our hero.
Well, all of a sudden, everybody
at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on. A few seconds
goes by another loud scream is heard from the bathroom. This time the bartender
goes into the bathroom to investigate what the screaming is about.
He opens the door and asks "What's
all the screaming about in here? You're scaring all my customers away."
The drunk says "I'm sitting on the
toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell
out of my balls."
With that, the bartender looks in
and says, "No wonder you asshole, you're sitting on a mop
bucket"
The
refugee
The elderly Italian man went to
his parish priest, and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son", said the
priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of
World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son,
and nothing that you need to confess", said the priest.
"It's
worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the
attic with her sexual favors", continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult
time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their
hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom
and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the
priest.
"Thanks, Father", said the old
man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son", said the
priest.
The old man asked "Do I need to
tell her that the war is over?"
The Blind
Carpenter
A blind carpenter walks into a
lumber mill and shouts out, "I'm a blind carpenter and I need a job." The
foreman walks over to the blind carpernter and says,
"If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?" The blind carpenter says,
"I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."
The foreman says "O.K. I'll give
you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job." The foreman takes the
carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front
of you and you tell me what it is." The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on
the table and says "Ready!"
The carpenter bends over and takes
a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a
number two pine, two by four, eight foot long." The foreman says, "Duh! That's
right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest."
Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."
The foreman puts a piece of lumber
on the table and says "Ready!" The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep
sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one,
please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and
says "Ready!"
The carpenter takes another deep
sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red
wood, four by four, six foot long." The foreman is amazed and says "That's
right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one
more time and if you get it right you got a job."
The foreman then goes into the
office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking
off all of her clothes and laying down on the table.
(She agrees to do this - implausable but go with me
because it helps the joke.) She takes off her clothes walks out of the office
and lays face down on the table. The foreman says "Ready!"
The blind carpenter takes a deep
sniff moving his head from side to side.He looks
puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn
it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman gestures with his hand
to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says "Ready!". The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head
from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks
surprised, and says, "I got it. That's an old shit house door off a tuna boat."
He got the job.
The Bigger
Dick
After his annual physical, the
sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results.
"Well," said the doctor, "I have
good news and bad news for you."
"The way I feel, please give me
the good news first" replied the bachelor.
The good news," announced the
doctor, "is that your penis has grown by at least an
additional four inches since your last exam."
"Great!" the man shouted. "But
what's the bad news?"
"It's malignant..."
The salesman stopped at a
farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told
him there was no vacant room."I could let you sleep with my daughter," the
farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her." The salesman agreed. After
a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into
bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side. The next morning he asked
for his bill."It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed,"
the farmer said."Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said."Yes, I
know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her
today."
There's a young couple in the
cinema ontheir first date in a cinema.The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze
past you?""Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the
boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one
will see you.""OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the
floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he
reaches down and makes a grab. He feels something long and hard and says,
" JEEZUS !!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you a guy
??????????” "No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit
instead."
And on that note………………..i`m outa here
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |