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       Posted by KIM Posted on June 19, 2006 View Comments 1      
This will make you Smile

 


 


If you yelled for 8  years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound  energy to heat one cup of coffee.


 (Hardly seems worth it.)


 


 


 If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is  produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.


 (Now that's more like it!)


 


 


 The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body  to squirt blood 30 feet.


 (O.M.G.!)


 


 


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.


       Posted by CUNABIT03 Posted on June 3, 2006 View Comments 1      
Works for me...

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest  toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning


 

       Posted by MARKETING Posted on June 1, 2006 View Comments 0      
The wife sent me this thought I'd share









Best of the week.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart.


FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was
that?!"



So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you
in the bedroom?"



Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.



The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to
play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,
honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think
this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."




I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."




Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
'WHAT?'"




I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."



 And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,



"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"




Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.