Heed this warning: Do NOT lose your grandchildren in the Mall! A small girl was lost at a large shopping mall. She approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little girl replied, "Crown Royal whisky and women with big tits."

Subject: Fwd: Guts & Balls>>>>>> We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

You might be a swinger, if... your coworkers are convinced you have no social life because you always change the subject when they ask about your weekend. when your coworkers talk about their sex lives, it takes a real effort not to yawn. your guy friends invite you to a strip club and you ask if it would be ok to bring your wife you've got a bunch of pictures of the two of you in a hotel room wearing brightly colored wristbands. your kids see your online Christmas card list and want to know who are "two4fun", "allwaysready", "carresusboth". your girlfriend wonders why you have both birth control pills and condoms in your purse. your Saturday night babysitter wonders why mommy already had her coat on when she comes out of the bedroom. your boss wonders why you're going to Orlando or Las Vegas "in the middle of summer for God's sake!" you both wonder if the sexy lady who just walked past you would like to mess around. you make plans to meet a "straight" couple at a nice restaurant, and realize you have absolutely nothing you can wear. the drugstore clerk wonders what you're going to do with four bottles of Scope, three-dozen condoms, and five bottles of Astroglide. And the best way to tell that you might be a swinger is...  your neighbors wonder why they aren't invited to any of your parties.  

In here the text, description, location etc

Hopefully this will help with those back to work Blues,                     

A Texas cowboy was tending to his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.  The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy..."If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"   The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"   The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.  The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.   Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.  He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.  Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, ''You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."   "That's right.  Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.  He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.   Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"   The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"   "You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party," says the cowboy.  "Wow!  That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"   "No guessing required," answered the cowboy, "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...  Now give me back my dog."

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SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.  GEORGE W BUSH We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.  COLIN POWELL Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.  TONY BLAIR I agree with George.  HANS BLIX We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.  DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.  MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.  GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.  TRICIA Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road.  JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.  ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.  KARL MARX It was an historic inevitability.  RONALD REAGAN What chicken?  SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.  BILL GATES eChicken2005 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.  ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?  BILL CLINTON What is your definition of chicken?  THE BIBLE And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken  THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.  COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one?  HOMER SIMPSON Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n  

Friendship!!!!!!! Friendship Between Women:  A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.   Friendship Between Men:  A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.