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| A clean one for a change |
Two guys draw up to traffic lights, one in a Mini and the other in a Rolls Royce. The guy in the Mini winds down his electric windows, not to be outdone the Rolls driver winds his down in reply.
The Mini driver then presses a button to unwind his sun-roof, again the Rolls driver does the same.
Next, the Mini driver presses a button which causes a double bed to appear in the back of his car! The Rolls driver is gob-smacked and watches in disbelief as the Mini drives off from the green light.
Immediately, the Rolls driver goes round to his local garage and asks for the insto-bed to be fitted to his car. The mechanic tells him it will be very expensive. The Rolls driver insists it is fitted and does not care about the cost.
A few weeks later he collects his car with the insto-bed fitted. He spends hours driving around looking for the Mini. Eventually, he finds it parked in a lay-by. It's windows are all steamed up and the car is rocking.
The Rolls pulls up slowly, and he knocks on the window. After a short pause the Mini drivers' head pops out.
"What?", says the Mini driver.
"Watch this!", says the Rolls driver.
He then depresses the button and smirks proudly as a double bed appears...
To which the Mini driver retorts, "You got me out of the shower to show me that!?". |
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| Posted by
BLONDONBLOND |
Posted on February 25, 2006 |
View Comments 1 |
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| the first time |
It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience,
but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses;
but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him
- he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you
and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper,
you feel the tissue give way;
pain surges throughout your body
and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears
but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill
but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments,
you feel something bursting within you
and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting,
glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly,
tells you, with a chuckle;
that you have been his most stubborn
yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. |
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| It's the dog's b*ll*x |
A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren." |
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| Number please |
So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."
"Hello?" the woman says.
Wow! She sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby!
Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9." |
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| For the ladies... |
I bet there's not a lady in the house who doesnt get a good laugh out of this.....
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/72008/babies_babies/ |
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| More Gay Western Movies to Come! |
With the recent sucess of BrokeBack Mountain Hollyweird is rushing to the big screen with a lot more gay movies.
Movie titles currently in progress are:
PRANCES WITH WOLVES
JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON
BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID
THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE
HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG
THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER
DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID
LONESOME DOUG
DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN
MCCABE AND MR. MILLER
HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES
QUICKLY DOWN UNDER
BAREBACK MOUNTING
BONE-NANZA
DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS
HOME ON THE RANGER
OKLAHOMO
ROOSTER COCKBURN
LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
BALONEY PONY RODEO
TUBESTEAK COWBOYS
SILVER-ROD-Ohhh!!! |
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| Penis Length Survey |
Penis Length Survey
Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so I have devised the following foolproof test.
1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).
2. Grasp your *thing* in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is "1234567890-+" the backspace key removes the `.)
3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your _thing_ on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.
4. Please post your results to net.general and I'll summarize to everyone on the net by personal mail.
Cautions
1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or place two keyboards end to end.
3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.
4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT.
Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders:
Test Results Diagnosis
1 You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome
12367 You have a strange gap in your penis
12efgbn Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.
12wgui,l=]\ Seek immediate medical care. |
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| Posted by
SEXONASTICK |
Posted on February 11, 2006 |
View Comments 1 |
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| Attention Sergeant |
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by
a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know
you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
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