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       Posted by THEVOICE Posted on August 31, 2009 View Comments 1      
Famous Sex Quotes

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-- Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams

       Posted by CUPID Posted on August 31, 2009 View Comments 2      
himicide, PMS and armed

Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner

whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not

bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that

I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life

as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all

females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all

females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least

one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest

problem,

has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not..

       Posted by KENNETH69 Posted on August 28, 2009 View Comments 2      
PMS and GPS

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?


A crazy bitch who will find you

       Posted by ACCOUNTING Posted on August 27, 2009 View Comments 1      
fucking rules
Typical macho man married typical good-looking girl and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."

       Posted by AVENTURASWEETS Posted on August 25, 2009 View Comments 0      
Alcohol and Sex

A desperate man walks into a bar, he tells the bartender that

he's had a terrible day and he just got fired.

 

Bartender: Hey you look down, want to have some fun?

 

Man: Sure, like what?

 

Bartender: I'm going to pour you out 10 shots of Vodka, and I

will give you 100 dollars to do a couple of things.

 

Man: OK, what do I have to do?

 

Bartender: You have to go outside and beat the hell out of that

Rottweiler, that's the meanest dog I've ever seen.

 

Man: OK, what else?

 

Bartender: And after that, if you are able, you gotta go

upstairs and have sex with that old woman.

 

Man: It's a deal

 

After the man had all 10 of his shots he stumbled away saying

he'd be right back after he completed his first task.

 

30 minutes later he came back, bloody, cut, scraped, and

scratched up like no other. The bartender's mouth dropped wide

open.

 

Bartender: Wow! I can't believe you did it!

 

Man: Me neither, now where's that old woman I have to beat up?

       Posted by AVENTURASWEETS Posted on August 20, 2009 View Comments 0      
Martian swingers

A Martian couple landed on the earth. The emerged from their spacecraft and went up to a farmhouse. They knocked on the door. When the farmer and his wife answered, they announced that they were from Mars and wanted to come in to chat. The farm couple extended their hospitality and they all seemed to hit it off well. After a while, the farmer said "Do you two swing?"

The martian replied, "yes", and so they swapped mates and adjourned for appropriate activity.

After the martian man had climbed on, he said to the earth woman, "Is my dick long enough?"

She replied, "Well, now that you mention it, I would like it a little longer."

He said "no problem" and proceded to twist his left ear and, like magic, his dick got longer. "How's that now?"

"One notch more" said the woman.

Her request was promptly complied with via another twist of the left ear. His next question was "Would you like it a little thicker?"

She replied "yes" and he twisted his right ear once. The woman said "That's perfect!" and they proceeded to bang away.

The next morning the earth couple were comparing experiences and the husband said "how was it for you?" The wife replied, "Super! How about you?"

The husband responded, "It was pretty good, but she damn near twisted my ears off!"

       Posted by ACCOUNTING Posted on August 13, 2009 View Comments 1      
Condom versus Tampon
A condom tells a tampon "you always take my job for a whole week". The tampon says " yeah but every time you fuck up, I lose my job for nine months"