I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping in Debenhams. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said pick out a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said "honey I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I add "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

MEN'S NAMESAaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.Adam - cute, funny, chicks dig him, well hung but very caring.Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women. [Lauren Howell]  !!!!!!!!!!Alex - cute and short but a liar and a cheat.Amir - dirty, smelly, pecker is minuscule.Andrew - gay and has a small pecker.Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain.Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of wee.Arnold - loser.Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.Barry - lights fires, pinches girls bottoms and is well hung.Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games.Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.Brad - thinks everyone likes him...but they don't.Brandon - good looking but uses girls.Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.Brett - world wide slut and really insensitive, women love him.Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, no he's not the Messiah he's  just a very naughty boy.Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell.Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name.Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.Cameron - Australian.Carl - thinks he's funny...he's not, falls asleep during sex.Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies, no real person has that name.Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too.Christian - very sexy and seductive.Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.Cliff - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial.Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around.Colin - lies to women and blows up public buildings.Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.Craig - tries to fit in - he never does.Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice.Darren - charming , but sleeps with men.Daryl - smells bad, has no real matesDavid - hotty and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence.Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter i.e. a ****er.Dean - full of himself and thinks with his ****.Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.Derek - has a great sense of humour, and blow-up doll collection.Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please.Don - ****head.Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.Drew - bad-arse loser who never shuts up.Duncan - hopeless ski bum, brains shot away long ago.Dylan - horny. *******, Who can't sing.Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get cos he's an arsehole.Elliott - full of himself.Eric - shy.Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient.Frank - "different" - missing DNA - favours girls named Lucy.Fraser - sucks pigs ****s & swallows the lot. Fred – always wants to take things to hand, likes to give out orders. Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight.Gary - drug addict but willing to share.Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.George - barman who drinks more than he serves.Glen - the sweetest guy - really down to earth.Greame - very hard to understand, likes group sex.Graham - will screw anything.Grant - HORNY! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.Greg - really sweet and feels sorry for himself.Harry - covers his back.Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.Hathem - smooth, but very manipulative, not to be trusted around young girls.Haydn - tries hard.Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography.Ian - really popular but knows all the girls want him...yeh right!!!Ivor - militant psychopath with homosexual tendencies.Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk.Jamie - scum of the earth.James - built like a horse. and hung like oneJay - very sweet when you get to know him well.Jeff - really ugly.Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.Jack - stupid but hot, always alright.Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection.Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head.Joel - arse.John - has no friends or life - tends to kill small animals.Jolyon - absolute raving homosexual.Jonathan - think he's good - he's ****.Jordan - sexy but weird in bed.Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.Josh - full of himself, fun.Junior - hotty and totally good at football.Justin - aggravating but lovable, insecure but successful.Kain - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up.Kevin - always attracts really fit girlfriends also has a large ****, really nice to women.Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse.Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be.Kurt - can kick anyone's arse.Kyle - hornball who eats too many cornchips.Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.Laurey - short and funny looking.Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a ******.Lyndon - can always be found in bed or in the pub.Liam - loud mouthed arsehole.Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.Luke - seems to be sweet.Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers.Mark - wished girls liked him for who he is not his great looks, Mouthy ******* though.Matt - the fat boy of the class, likes sweets and is full of ****.Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl.Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.Mohammed - small *****Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.Nick - nice - can't get past t

Unconfirmed Sources has received the Terror Alert Schedule for the upcoming 2006 congressional election season. The Terror Alert Schedule lays out the dates and alert levels for the for the next twelve months. The previously top secret schedule has been released so that candidates can better plan statements and campaign events in relation to the alert periods. It's going to be a busy year with several periods of high alert and at least one period at the top of the scale just before the November elections. Departments of Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff released the schedule at news conference Sunday morning and spoke briefly with reporters."We've got a very busy election season coming up with lots of things to coordinate so we decided that announcing the schedule ahead of time would cut a lot of red tape and avoid any unnecessary confusion. These terror alerts catch many people off guard and can really hamper the smooth operation of government and public transportation. We here at the DHS have learned our lesson from Katrina and hope this plan will keep everybody informed."Washington insiders agree releasing the schedule will save lots of trouble and confusion."Before the last presidential election we had several very poorly planned alerts." Admits White House strategist Karl Rove. "We did our best to capitalize on them, but it was a lot of work. In a few cases we only knew a month ahead of time and that just isn't enough time to plan really good campaign events around a terror alert. We did it and they really helped us in our re-election effort, but knowing ahead on time the whole year's terror alerts will make planning of congressional election efforts much easier.""It's about time DHS got it's act together and really helped America through a tough time." Says Republican strategist Charles Krauthammer. "Terror alerts are a great election year tool and coordinating their use is very great improvement over the last election cycle. I think DHS might have felt a little timid after the trouble they had in the 2004 election, maybe that is why they haven't called a terror alert since then. I'm glad to see they are over that and have healthy alert season planned out. No doubt about it terror alerts are a political tool, its time we got serious about using them."

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