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       Posted by WICKEDWOLF Posted on August 17, 2006 View Comments 2      
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ

so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.


One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it,
I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping in Debenhams.

I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said pick out a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when
she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I
blurted out,

"No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "honey I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I add

"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
       Posted by FLYINGDUTCHMAN Posted on August 13, 2006 View Comments 1      
Department of Homeland Security Announces 2006 Election Terror Alert Schedule

Unconfirmed Sources has received the Terror Alert Schedule for the upcoming 2006 congressional election season. The Terror Alert Schedule lays out the dates and alert levels for the for the next twelve months. The previously top secret schedule has been released so that candidates can better plan statements and campaign events in relation to the alert periods. It's going to be a busy year with several periods of high alert and at least one period at the top of the scale just before the November elections.

Departments of Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff released the schedule at news conference Sunday morning and spoke briefly with reporters.

"We've got a very busy election season coming up with lots of things to coordinate so we decided that announcing the schedule ahead of time would cut a lot of red tape and avoid any unnecessary confusion. These terror alerts catch many people off guard and can really hamper the smooth operation of government and public transportation. We here at the DHS have learned our lesson from Katrina and hope this plan will keep everybody informed."

Washington insiders agree releasing the schedule will save lots of trouble and confusion.

"Before the last presidential election we had several very poorly planned alerts." Admits White House strategist Karl Rove. "We did our best to capitalize on them, but it was a lot of work. In a few cases we only knew a month ahead of time and that just isn't enough time to plan really good campaign events around a terror alert. We did it and they really helped us in our re-election effort, but knowing ahead on time the whole year's terror alerts will make planning of congressional election efforts much easier."

"It's about time DHS got it's act together and really helped America through a tough time." Says Republican strategist Charles Krauthammer. "Terror alerts are a great election year tool and coordinating their use is very great improvement over the last election cycle. I think DHS might have felt a little timid after the trouble they had in the 2004 election, maybe that is why they haven't called a terror alert since then. I'm glad to see they are over that and have healthy alert season planned out. No doubt about it terror alerts are a political tool, its time we got serious about using them."

       Posted by NOTAVERAGE Posted on August 6, 2006 View Comments 1      
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