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       Posted by MIKELYNSUSSE Posted on April 30, 2007 View Comments 1      
Essex Earthquake Appeal


ESSEX EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

A major Earthquake measuring 4.8 on the Richter scale hit in
the early hours of Friday.

Epicentre: Basildon, Essex.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackin
ell". The earthquake decimated the area of 40 square miles causing
approximately £300 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics and
Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out Ford Capri's were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM
(County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact
that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident, racy Tracy Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It
was such a shock, my little  Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my
bedroom crying. My youngest, two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept
through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the
next morning."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as
normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Sunny Delight to the area to help the  stricken locals. Rescue
workers are still searching through the rubble and  have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from
Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and  clothing parcels for
those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.  Clothing
is most sought after:
items most needed include:
-- Fila or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.

   Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
   Required foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
    22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
    £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9 £5 will
    pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm  the nerves of those
affected.

**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
alcho-pop 'where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the
girl!










       Posted by SK2 Posted on April 23, 2007 View Comments 1      
Date

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, “the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.



They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.



The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The g guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!! !
"You know, “he said, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No,” she replies. . . . . "

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> It's coming.

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> The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

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> She says:

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> "You just happened to catch my eye."

       Posted by 242MUCHFUN Posted on April 19, 2007 View Comments 0      
Too damned smart for 1st grade
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny, what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She marched Little Johnny to the principal's office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Little Johnny: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Little Johnny: "36"

And on it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and said, "You know, I think Little Johnny may move up to the third-grade!"

The teacher says to the principal, "First, let me ask him some questions, myself."  The principal and Little Johnny both agree, and the teacher begins in "rapid-fire".

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Little Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Little Johnny: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open  wide, but before he could stop the answer...)

Little Johnny: "Shake hands"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin milky liquid?" (The principal's eyes really open wide, and before he can stop the answer.....)

Little Johnny: "A Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Little Johnny: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "Now I will ask you some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Little Johnny: "Yup"

Teacher: "You blow me, you feel good!"

Little Johnny: "Your Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come in a quiver"

Little Johnny: "An Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that makes for a lot of excitement?"

Little Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a long sigh of relief and exclaimed, "Put that boy in the fifth-grade!  I got most of those questions wrong myself!!!



 
       Posted by 242MUCHFUN Posted on April 18, 2007 View Comments 0      
Indian Names

The little Indian boy always curious about everything, asked his father how Indian babies came by their colorful and descriptive names.


His father said, "Ugh!  It's simple.  When a new baby is born, the father steps outside of the teepee and names the child after the first thing he sees."


"Like your brother, when he was born, I stepped outside and saw a magnificent eagle flying down the valley.  That's why he is named Soaring Eagle."


"And your little sister, the first thing I saw was the beautiful spring flowers, so I named her Little Blossom"


"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking In The Snow?"